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Love cures people, the ones who receive love and the ones who give it, too. --Karl Menninger

I Was On the Rebound - But I Want him Back

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Hi, I am 21 years old, and just came out of a bad relationship of about a year,with a 24 year old about 2 months ago and started dating again a few weeks later. I normally do not do that so soon, but the guy I liked said he had liked me for so long and knew that I was in an awful relationship before. He always would give me advice and told me I did not need to be treated the way I was being treated. He made me realize alot of things about the person I was with at the time. (He is 19)---

The relationship before consisted of some verbal abuse and controlling issues. Such as knowing where I was every hour and calling constantly. So, I think I carried some of those issues into the next relationship. We have been dating for only a total of 4 weeks and last night my "boyfriend" said he thought we just aren't good together. I asked him why, and he said he just feels controlled and that I am negative about too many things, and that I wont let him do some of the things he would like to do, and that maybe he just isnt ready. I disagree except for the fact that he has alot of friends that are girls and I become jealous often and ask him if he likes them. He always tried to reassure me and say no, but I just felt like he was too flirty with them.

The other issue was that he didnt call me as often as I would like.I would ask him to call me when I returned home or "can you please just call for 5 min. at least"! But I think I was so used to my ex-boyfriend calling me 10 times a day, that I thought this person didnt care for me by only calling me once a day. He became frustrated with me telling him to call me because he said he wanted to do it on his own and felt controlled. I didnt even realize I was making him feel that way.

I am so confused on what to do, because this person seemed so perfect for me, and I thought we were good together. He is Christian like I am, we both laugh together, we like alot of the same things. I dont understand how someone can change so quickly, when one day they are telling you how beautiful you are and you are so perfect for them. And then the next day you aren't? Can this be saved at all? I really want to make it work, I really enjoy being with this person and do not want it to end like this, when we were having a great time the night before.

What should I do? Just let it go and not say any more to him? or talk about it to him even though he thinks he has made up his mind. We go to the same college, and I have 1 class with him. It will be so hard to look at him the same again. Should I act like it doesnt bother me? even though I am dying inside...

RomanceClass.com Advice
I don't think this was an overnight change. I think it was a see-saw and that there was a balance that he was fighting to maintain and you were making it very hard on him.

A relationship should NEVER be about a person constantly having to reassure the other person "really I love you. Yes I really love you. Really, I do love you". That is like water torture. You have to trust and believe in your partner. So what if he has female friends! Most guys do. You have to trust that he has chosen to be with you. If you keep harassing him, then he's going to choose NOT to be with you.

I would go and apologize to him. Say that you were still recovering from the previous relationship and were not treating him well. Say that you will work on your self esteem and that you know, with him by your side, that you will be able to do this quite easily. Tell him that you love him and have faith in your relationship. Remind him that relationships are about facing problems and troubles together to solve them and that this is an easy problem for you guys to resolve. See if he'll give it another chance.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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