He's Irresponsible but I Love Him
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I recently got out of a 10 year relationship. I started going out and sowing my wild oats. Alway the men I was with knew I absolutley did not want a relationship right now. I started seeing 2 men regularly. I was consumed by one of them we will call B. Then he moved away and the relationship ended perfectly. I started seeing more of the other guy we will call H. He was completely different than most men I have dated. However he has addiction to pot. Also, he has not job and no ambition. And it is very hard for him to communicate or even make simple conversation. I did not really care because we were not dating seriously.
He recently confessed his love to me and I love him as well. I'm very afraid of committing myself to the wrong person again. I even think about dating other people. I had decided to commit to H and trust in love to help me through these doubts. We became pregnant and I lost the child. As badly as I have wanted a child for these past ten years I was really relieved I did not have to do now with him. I care very deeply for him, but his love for me is overwhelming. We are such a good match on so many levels, but his lack of stability is very reminisant of the relationship I just ended. I want to be with him so badly, and at the same time i want to date other people.
Then out of the blue the other man,B came back into my life. He wants us to date and try to work on a relationship. He is a wonderful friend and I ache for him. He fulfills all the needs that H can not fulfill. I recently asked H to move out, and for us to slow things down, just date and get to know each other better. We are both miserable. He wants us to be together and is convinced I don't love him. He constantly is overcome with emotion when he sees me and wants to come back home. I feel so guilty to cause him this pain. I miss him very much. My questions are these:
Am I ready to date yet?
Am I being overly critical of H?
Am I being selfish?
Should I break up with him and give us both time to heal and mature?
What if by breaking up with H I miss out on the best relationship I could ever want?
How can I love some one so much and not want to be with them?
There are lots of things going on here. First off, people love multiple men all the time. Think of a mom with two sons. Surely she loves both sons, just in different ways. The path of life is that you have to make decisions and do the best you can. There are trillions of men out there that you could date. Many of them could make you happy. You choose one and you work on that relationship in the best way you can.
We all have different needs in life. I know that for me personally, having a guy that had no ambition, that sat around smoking pot all day would drive me insane. It's like having a silly younger brother. You love him, but it's just not someone you would be able to base your life with.
You can always have one guy as a best friend and another guy as a parter. The traits that are wonderful in a friend might be very different in what you need from a life partner.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com