Intimacy Issues After a Rape

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My ex (now 24) was raped by two men when she was fourteen. I don't know all the details as she was too afraid, or got to upset to recall many details. After this occurred she became very promiscous she said because she felt little self worth. She talked to a psychologist a couple of times, apparently a lady she got on with well but years later(22) admitted not telling all the details. We never had problems with each other though because the love and intimacy was there, which is the only time she says she can feel pleasure.

After 5 years together we have a 3 yo daughter and though we split up, during a 3 month period she had sex with 8 differant guys for a total of about 20 episodes including getting pregnant and having an abortion. At that stage I saw her again after phone contact, she wanted to be together again but I couldn't handle what she'd done. She had never been unfaithfull while together and told me she did it to "use & abuse guys" and to try and "sabotage us getting back together" because she was still in love with me but in denial. She also claims she couldn't feel a thing when having sex with these guys??

One thing that worried me was that although enjoying regular intercourse as in lovemaking, she also enjoyed hard slapping sometimes and being tied down. As well she was always very uncomfortable receiving oral sex with the most recent time being that she felt so much pleasure she suddenly backed off and broke down in tears but she doesn't understand why herself?

I don't think i can go into any more detail in this column though. Any ideas what she might be hiding? Advice
I don't think she's hiding anything. People like sex, it's a normal thing. It seems that she has both the normal love of sex as well as guilt because of the past rape. I really recommend you both go to a therapist together, talk about these things and help her get through it. That way you can understand her feelings and she can move on to become an adult - putting those childhood issues behind her.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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