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Love much. Earth has enough of bitter in it. -- Ella Wheeler Wilcox

He's Overweight, It's an Issue for Me

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I became romantically involved with this guy online (we lived in different cities at the time), and after several months of talking to him online, I came to see him in person. I already knew that he was overweight, but seeing him in person made me reconsider whether I wanted to be romantically involved with him. After I went back home, I told him that I just wanted to be friends.

A few months later, I started going to college in his city and we remained friends, and had even become best friends. He still wanted to be more than friends, but I was afraid of committing to him as a boyfriend because I wasn't sure if I would be able to accept his appearance. We continued to be friends, but we got very close and even started fooling around. He still pushed a relationship, but I was still afraid to commit.

After over a year of being best friends and spending the summer away from him, I realized how much I missed him and cared about him and finally decided to commit to him. I felt like we had enough chemistry and he had enough other good qualities that his looks didn't matter. It felt right to be with him and we had a really good relationship for over four months, but then I started having doubts. Out of nowhere, I started to have this uneasy feeling that maybe I shouldn't be with him. I can't explain why I feel that way or where it came from. Maybe it's the weight issue that's bothering me, but I don't understand how things could have been so good up to this point if his weight was that much of a problem.

I just want things to go back to normal and forget that I ever had these feelings, but they won't go away. I feel like we have something really special together and I don't want to lose him. What do these feelings mean, and what do I do about them?

RomanceClass.com Advice
Why in the world does his weight matter at all? People gain weight and lose weight all the time. People age and sag. Are you going to want to date a robot that never ages, never gets old, that looks like a teenager for his entire life? That hardly is likely. All humans change shape and size over the years. To obsess about what someone looks like at a given point in time is meaningless. What matters is what they are as a person.

That all being said, it is always the duty of a partner to help their partner be healthy. People help each other cut down on drug problems, stop smoking, etc. So if he is so overweight that his health is at risk, then surely you can work with him to be more healthy. Go biking with him, go walking with him, find active hobbies together. That is what people who love each other do.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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