She's Trying Out Someone New
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
My girlfriend and I have been going out for two years now, and have gone through many stages together. We've said 'I love you of our own will' and we've discussed 'in theory' plans of how we might be able to live together after college. Important note: we are a long distance couple but take care to spend vacations together and have made it two years with me at college and still intimate.
Anyway, she called me up the other day and said that she needed a break, because she had met this guy and she needed to know if it was just a crush or not, and if she was sure about us.
What do I do? I'm trying to give her space--I'm not calling unless she calls me, I'm only saying 'hi' every so often on IM--but it's killing me. Apocalyptic visions of her finally breaking up with me are haunting me in my sleep. I've taken some time myself to try and 'make sure,' but everyone I talk to just reminds me of her.
Anyway, I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this. She keeps telling me that she loves me, and that she'll always be there for me--but I know that if we break up (as in permanently) I'll never want to see or hear her again; I couldn't take it. I know my own psyche; I'll end up hating the one who stole her forever and spend days reminding myself of the good times we had.
So what do I do? Just waiting for the 'verdict' is making me insane, mostly because I'm already sure of what I want...please help, any advice you could give would help.
This is a pretty clear disaster scenario that explains why a couple needs to always put the relationship first if it's going to make things work. Heck, ANY couple could have someone decide part-way through, "That guy looks intersting! You just stay there, dear, and I'm going to go try him out. Maybe I'll be back."
But the point of being a couple is that you work on the relationship, go through up and down times and aim for long term success. If your boyfriend-girlfriend relationship was about staying together as long as something better didn't come along, that wouldn't be much of a relationship. So what, any time you saw a better looking girl, or a smarter girl, or a funnier girl, or a richer girl, you were just going to call your girlfriend up and say "sorry, I'm going to try out this girl I met, you just wait there to see if I come back", she'd think that was reasonable?
If you're going to take that attitude, there is ALWAYS someone smarter or prettier or younger or sexier or richer out there. That's the way life works. And no matter how pretty you are, there is always someone else pretty in a different way. So you could be a super pretty blonde, and maybe the guy now goes after a brunette for variety. So again, if you're going to be unfaithful and jump ship any time you were distracted, that's not much of a commitment you've made.
I'm not sure which way I would hope here. If she's really like this, sure she might come back after this guy. But she's already proven that she has a roving eye and is quite happy to jump ship if she sees something interesting. How can you trust in her to stick with you through thick and thin, if she takes off without anything even being bad? Sure, if she comes back she'll say "Oh I learned my lesson". But then the next sexy guy will come along and she'll say "Hmmmm maybe I should try again ..."
It's easy to have good times in the short term (i.e. on the few days you two are together). It's much harder to maintain a relationship through the trials of real life. If she was so fragile that she broke up with you over something like this, maybe it's better that she is out of your life now, before you guys really did have to face real life side by side and she bailed on you in a serious situation.
If she DOES come back to you, I can only hope that it's because the other guy does the exact same thing to her (abandons her for a fling) and that she really learns why this is so destructive. If she just decides 'oh I'm bored of him now' and returns to you, she won't have learned anything at all.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com