Dealing with a Stalker
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
My girlfriend and I have been together for a year now. Things were going great. We both loved each other. Our only major problem was that her psycho ex would not leave her alone. He would constantly call, and try to stop by. She said she wouldn't return his phone calls, and told him to leave her alone, but he wouldn't listen. All his friends still go to our college, and whenever they see us together anywhere they tell him, and he calls her up and screams at her. She would be scared for us to be seen together anywhere, on the chance that we might run into someone who knew him. She wouldn't get a restraining order because she was scared of what he might do. She never told him we were together, and I went along with it because I figured that was keeping her safe. About two months ago, she started saying that she didn't know if she could deal with the situation anymore right now. Two weeks ago she said she wanted to take a break, to get some space and some time to herself, and to try to have fun, since this is our last year at school, and she said she couldn't have deal with all the issues going on. But she said it was only going to be temporary. She kept calling, telling me she loved me and missed me, and now she doesn't call as much. She still tells me she loves me. It's been two weeks, so should I keep giving her space? I miss the girl and love her very much, and I've treated her great. I want this break to be over. I didn't think it would last this long. What do I do?
First, stalkers rarely "get better". By ignoring him she's probably fanning the flames of his anger. It makes NO sense to not tell the police because of what he might do. He's already crossed over the line!! Tell her to TELL THE POLICE. He has no right to intimidate her and to have her change her lifestyle to please him. That's his whole point, to have control over her. And he's won. She has to regain her life back from him. This involves blocking his phone number permanently so he can NOT reach her, ignoring any letter he sends, and if he gets near her, calling the police. Period. If she gets raped or worse it'll be too late.
This other guy is affecting your relationship with her which is unfair, and she needs to deal with IT, not by removing her support from her. Telling you to go away to solve it so she has less support and more ex-boyfriend-antagonism is not the way to deal with the problem.
Once she gets the ex boyfriend taken care of, then you and she can discuss how your relationship is going under normal conditions. And if she wants a bit more time to 'become herself', then that's fine. But there's no way decisions like that can be made with an ex-boyfriend-stalker actively harassing her.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com