My Ex Hated Me - Now He's Back

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
My ex and I broke up a little over a year ago, because I had lied about ending things with a previous boyfriend who had since moved very far away (we continued to communicate through email) My ex felt "screwed" over, which is understandable. He was hateful and vicious towards me for several months following the breakup. I have never regretted anything more in my life and i TRULY care for this guy.

After 7 months of fighting and not speaking, we ran into each other at a party. Since then, we have kissed a few times and other things have happened, but getting back together does not look promising. What I don't understand is, after he hated me SO much (I can't even explain) why is he coming back to me on occasion? I still care for him alot and i think he knows. What do you suggest? Advice
Love and hate are never cut and dried. The only way someone can hate you is if they really cared what you thought in the first place. You don't hate a random stranger in the street. You hate someone that you trusted and who violated that trust. But you had loved them in the first place, and some of that love is still in there. And there could also be some of the "She caused me huge pain - I am going to get her back" in there too. So undoubtedly he is very confused. He loved you. You betrayed him. He wishes you didn't and feels the pain you caused. But the things that attracted him to you in the first place still attract him to you.

If you do care for him and really want to get back together with him, you need to make it VERY clear how much you have learned, changed, and matured since your bad decision. You need to show and tell him that you really regret what you did and learned your lesson. We're all human. We all do some really stupid things in life, and we learn. Kids eat crisco vegetable shortening. They learn that it tastes awful and they don't try that again. You thought you could have two guys at once and lie to at least one of them. You learned how violating the trust of a relationship can destroy it more surely than anything else.

If he sees that you really are a new, stronger person now and have learned your lesson, he might begin to trust you again. It's going to take quite a while - you really caused him the most serious pain that COULD be given to someone. You violated his trust when he opened his heart to you. But if you do take the time and energy to show him you're truly sorry, and have learned a valuable lesson, he may take you back again.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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