I fell in love when she fell out of love
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I met a girl about a year ago and we started out going on a couple of dates, but I quickly decided I just wanted a friendship. She made her feelings know that she wanted way more eventually telling me she had fallen in love with me, which made it hard to remain friends. I didn't want to lose her though. She would try everything to get me to change my mind. She gave me the "best friends with benefits" line a thousand times and I gave into it. So we started fooling around all the time, but I would never let it go further. I started feeling guilty, but I could not stop. Anyway, she finally convinced me we should commit. The relationship was horrible and I was not in love with her. She finally had enough and broke up with me. Now I'm in love with her and I can't have her. I've hurt her way too much, treated her horribly. I want to start over, but she's afraid to, and I don't blame her. What can I do?????
Let's pretend for a moment that you were friends all that time, and not 'in love with each other'. So your aim was to spend time with each other, be with each other and have fun. Normal couple desires. But you couldn't do that. There are many people who love each other and can't live with each other. There are also many people who are great friends, don't feel the 'love part' but can live with each other quite contentedly. So the fact that you guys couldn't live together at all should be a big warning sign.
Are you sure you're now in love with her? You didn't love her all that time you were with her. She hasn't changed. All that has changed is that you don't have her now, and she isn't chasing you. It's VERY common when that happens for someone to say "Hey, wait!" They liked the attention, they liked feeling needed. And when it's gone, they don't like being alone. But none of those are good reasons to BE with someone. You should be with someone because that individual person is really a person that complements you. Because you can talk together and share everything and be *happy* together. It shouldn't be because you're lonely or they were convenient or 'comfortable'.
Also, I have serious concerns about her behavior. A relationship is all about honesty and openness and it HAS to be two way. It can't be one person dragging the other person around by the nose, forcing them to change. You have to accept each other the way they ARE. Instead, she doid a hard sell on you to start being intimate with her even though you were open and honest about your feelings. Then even though she said it was just to be 'friends with benefits' she pushes you into more and more of a relationship, trying to change YOU into being the person she wants. Instead of finding someone who WAS a good match for her, she spent all this time and energy into "molding" you.
That's not fair to you at all. You are a person to be respected for your own desires, not for her to force to change. The fact that she could do that about something as serious as a relationship makes it very iffy if anything else comes up - she'll just try to force you into that as well. That's one of THE biggest warning signs in a relationship, being with someone who thinks it's quite OK to pummel you into seeing things her way.
I would really take a lot of time off here, and think about the whole situation. If she was meant to be, then she'll still be there for you and you two can talk things through openly and start again on a fresh foot. And this time it HAS to be equal, not all-her-way. But the fact that she pushed and pulled you into all of this and you didn't get along with her while you *were* together makes me think that a good break will have you see this is a rebound reaction you're having.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com