His Ex Still Calls My Boyfriend
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
My ex and his girlfriend were together for 2 years. He broke up with her when she did not want the relationship to end. It has been almost a year since their break up, but she still calls him consistently, and because he feels guilty about breaking her heart he won't stop talking to her.
Is it unreasonable for me to not want him to continue the friendship with her?, especially since he doesn't tell me about it when she calls? Or do I need to insist that he not talk to her and for him to focus on our relationship now? I am having a VERY hard time dealing with this, since I feel like it is a constant underlying problem. PLEASE HELP!
Let me take first things first here. That has got to be the most meaningless break-up reason I've ever heard. He left her because she didn't want to be left?? Don't you want him to stay with you? So does that mean he is planning on leaving you? If that's really what he told her (and you), no wonder why she is having trouble believing him and moving on.
He really has to be HONEST about this past relationship. Obviously guys don't just abandon girls because they want the relationship to keep going. What guys are LOOKING for is a girl that wants to be in a relationship. He left because something made him unhappy about the relationship. He obviously wanted to be with someone that wanted him. He had that. So that wasn't the problem. He needs to tell *her* what really was the issue, and tell you. If he hasn't learned from his past problems, he's just going to make them all over again.
That being said, most people I know that break up then stay friends at least casually. The best relationships are between best friends who date. It would really be a shame if all those great friendships just vanished because the couple didn't end up being good romantically. On the other hand, it's his job to make sure she doesn't cross from being a friend to being a distraction in your relationship. Yes, he can care about her feelings. That's quite nice! But his primary duty is to your relationship. So that always needs to come first. Also, his duty to her as a friend is to help her move on. By supporting her all the time, in essence he draws her attentions away from finding a new boyfriend.
It's as if a mother has a son that always clings to her when they go to the playground. Yes, she wants to take care of her son and keep him safe. But if her son is going to grow and learn and become a happy person, he needs to learn to make new friends, to try new things and to become an independent individual. So yes she supports him, but she also weans him off of her, and lets him learn to go talk to other kids, to try out the swing and to take those risks. That's part of her job.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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