Is This Love or Comfort?

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years now and I love him so much. We are planning to get married. We are almost 18 years old.

My mom is trying to tell me that I dont really love him and I just feel comfortable with him. That is such BS. I love him so much, more than life itself. I think she's just jealous because all I talk about is him.

This sucks! How can I get her to realize that I really do love him. I need help. Advice
I'm not sure what sort of distinction your mom is trying to draw. The whole point of mature love is that it IS comfortable and isn't just about hormones and sex!! She should be HAPPY that you guys are in that comfortable stage where you are best friends. That is what people dream about achieving in their relationships, it is a sign that the relationship is really strong and has the underlying network of trust that helps you weather the good and bad times.

If I had to guess, she's probably more worried that you guys are getting ready to marry before you really have become stand-on-your-own adults. It's easy to think that marriage is just about two people living together and maybe making babies. But the best marriages are about two individuals, who are both very comfortable with *themselves* and have their own interests and hobbies. They then *join* their lives together to be with each other. The fact that you talk about this guy non stop and talk about "dying for him" is a REALLY bad sign. He should be important to you, yes. You should love him! But he should be a PART of your life. Just as friends should be part of your life, work should be a part of your life, and having time alone should be a part of your life.

Also you should NEVER ever go right from your parents house to your boyfriend / husband's house. It is so important to live on your own for a while and get comfortable with taking care of yourself, before you become a 'mommy' for someone else.

So I think the best way to show your mom that you are being mature about this all is to show her that you're not just a boy-crazy teenager. Show her that you have balanced interests in life. No wife sits around talking about her husband 24 hours a day :) They have friends they go out with, they have hobbies they enjoy. They go for quiet walks on their own. If you do intend to be a good wife for this man you love, you need to find that balance.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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