I'm 18 Years Younger - He Doesn't Trust Me
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
i am a chinese girl still having a painstaking relationship with an 18 year older american guy. we met on line 4 years ago when i was in my first marriage and when he was separate to his second wife and having a girlfriend. i didnt even think that we would one day meet in person when we fell in crazy love on line. but things developed out of my control.
i left home and worked in cambodia to avoid facing my ex husband who was my first date and whom now i know i had an immature relationship and marriage. i had the toughest time in cambodia by myself dealing with tough life there, my marriage and a distant relationship with this american guy. it was hopeless. but i made it. i could not choose to meet this american guy first then decide which one to stay with. so i divorced and then met my on line boyfriend in person in thailand twice. the second time we were engaged.
i thought i had found the right one and would go ahead with him till the end. i was very content. we filed fiancee visa and waited for 18 months to eventually get it. in sep. last year i went to u.s. to marry him as we had planned. but at the beginning i was scared and pressured because i had to face all his reality: his 4 sons and his friends and family memebers. i was lost for a while then he said he was not going to have a bad marriage again. after we argued he booked my ticket and now i am back in china.
i am devestated. now he asks me to try one more time with him. but i have no faith on him and myself any more. this long distant relationship itself has been a torment for me, plus other problems like: he thinks himself too old for me. he thinks he has too many debts from his two ex marriages that he has nothing to offer me. he has done the ligation after he had 4 boys and it is hard to reverse it since it has been so long plus he doesnt want to have a baby anymore because of the money pressure i guess. recently i also found that maybe in the whole relationship he hasnt really trusted me because he listened to others around him saying that i wanted to marry him only because i want to use him to go to america.
i am insulted, discouraged and depressed. i feel whatever effort i take to love him is just an effort to go to u.s. if he doesnt trust me at all. i have been taking so much heartache and hurt in this relaionship but i dont see i can assure him that i truly love him and we will have a destiny. we were really intimate and went through thin and thicks together in this 4 years. we were really soul mate. but now after all this, my heart aches so badly so often that i can not be as the same as before. but deep down i know i dont want to lose him, so i dont know what to do.
i checked my self, i know i have problems too. but it is so hard to fight with ego. and i have depended on him so much that now with his less contact by call and email. i feel he is leaving me alone. i wonder what to do. my parents think i am an idiot to hold on to this poor, timid and arrogant american. but his friends still think i am a cheater or actor who just hold on to him because i sitll want to go to u.s. he said he is coming to china. but he is broke and scared to come, i guess because he has to make a decision, he knows that.
i dont know if i should hold on or just give up. i dont know if it is worth waiting. i dont know. if any one knows please help. i am in great pain. i dont know if it is better or esier to give up or hold on since i have loved him so deeply and profoundly. i dont know. but if i hold on, is there any way or any chance i can win his trust?
i need help. how can i make him believe that i dont care about his age, his poor situation and baby problem. i am a loyal girlfriend, i never asked any money or physical stuff from him, i have tried my best i think. now i am very tired. what am i to do?
Having kids or not having kids is really something you guys should have talked about long before getting married! If he's had his tubes tied and doesn't want more, then you have to choose. If you are with him, you agree to that. If you want to have kids, then you have to find a guy who also wants kids. Otherwise it will definitely not work out.
I would go to a therapist together and talk through your issues. He doesn't trust you, you seem to have been unhappy with the life you got. You both need to accept each other for what you really are and what you can really offer each other. If you get hung up on what others think and others say, it's just not going to work. You need to trust each other.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com