He Wants to Date Other Girls
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
Recently I have just gotten out of a two year relationship; I am 20 years old. Things were going great between us and I didn't see this coming at all. My ex came over and said that he loves me so much, I am a great person, and that this has been the best two years of his life. He said that he wanted to see other people. I cried and he cried and he held me.
He said that I am his best friend and that he cannot stand to not talk to me ever again. I was very confuzed by what had happened and had him come over to talk about it. He said that he loves me so much but he is not ready to tie down with the same girl for the rest of his life either. On the other hand he is saying that we just need to see other people to see if this is right for us. He also said that the sweetest things in life are the things that leave you and can come back to you.
He said that he would't tell me about the other girls he would see, if he sees any. He can't picture me with anyone else. He doesn't want me to wait around for him. He doesn't want me to tell him if I see anyone else.
I have told him to tell me if this is over for good so that I can start moving on. He just responds I don't know what will happen. I don't know when we will get back together, I just need time. He says if we get back together, then it will be for good.
I was heartbroken when this first happened, but I am starting to feel better and concentrate on myself. I still miss him and want to be with him. I am not ready to see other people yet. I want to be with him.
How long should I let this go on until I know that it is truely over and that we will never be together? I want to be with him but if I can't I need to know because I would rather have him in my life as a friend than not in my life at all. How or when should I try to get him back? Eventually I am going to need to give him an ultimatum.
It's very common for people in your age group to want to date a variety of people. There are just SO many options out there, and you always wonder about the other ones. High school and college life is usually a series of short dating relationships that come and go as you learn what you like and what you don't like. If you meet someone that seems great, how do you know that it couldn't be even greater with someone else, but that you never found that out? If you are with someone who IS great, but then you always feel like you "settled" instead of choosing the best, it could damage the relationship seriously for no real reason.
You definitely should NEVER be giving ultimatums in any relationship!! A great relationship is always a 100% voluntary, mutual decision by two people. If one person has to put ANY pressure on the other person to get things done the way they want them, something is seriously wrong. If you pressure or force him into being with you, that would not be a relationship that would last. People have to be in relationships because they completely want to be, not because they feel guilty or pressured.
Also, there is NO point at which you can say "we will never be together again". Relationships come and go. People break up and get back together again. Life isn't linear. You go back to old boyfriends, find new boyfriends, think about guys from school. You end up with someone who you really love and who really loves you, but there's no way of knowing right now who that could be.
In any case, right now he wants to go date other girls. So you need to deal with that. You can't make him come back to you. And you should never try to force him to. So stay his friend. But date other guys. It can easily take you a few months to get over him if you dated for 2 years. Give yourself that time. If you have to go for some time without seeing him, because it hurts too much, then give yourself that time. It's never easy to switch gears in a relationship.
Who knows, you may find another guy who is MUCH better than your ex (as hard as that might seem right now, it is quite possible). And you can be thrilled to have two wonderful guys in your life - the ex who is a wonderful best friend, and your real boyfriend who is the most perfect boyfriend in the world. That is very possible. It can also be that you both date a few other people who are jerks and realize just how special you both really were, go back to each other, and neither of you have any doubts ever again. You will have to see which way life works out. But either way I imagine you will have this guy in your life as someone special, AND you will end up with a great boyfriend who loves you. The only question to see is if they end up being the same guy or two different guys.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com