Making it Work while On the Rebound
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
When I was on a break from a long term, serious relationship about 2 years ago, I had a fling (a bunch of sex and visiting for weekends) with a girl I've been friends with for a long time, S, who lives a few hours away. We agreed not be serious, but take it slow. S and I were affectionate but not very communicative, and basically I assumed from signs she gave that it was a casual thing for her, so in spite of really liking her I kept some emotional distance.
She showed some signs in March of being more into it though, basically just acting more affectionate.
Then, in about April '03, my Ex (we'll call her X) and I started talking, I realized I still had feelings and so did X. So I told S I had to stop seeing her
that way,she seemed to be okay with it and over the next six months S and I reverted to just friends, calling maybe once a month, while X and I were supposedly back together forever.
Then at the end of the summer, X dumped me in a spectaular manner, and it was permanently over.
S and I started talking again and I visited her, prefaced by us agreeing it would be strictly friends this time. Then she actively seduced me the first night we were together, and things seemed to keep escalating over the next month or so as I visited her again, with me slowing getting over my wrecked feelings from being dumped, and replacing them with wanting to really make it work with S. I like her a lot, we have an amazing amount in common and we could definitely be great together.
But now she seems really cautious, or maybe confused, and she calls me maybe once a week...I call her probably twice as often as that. She still hasn't visited me, although she's asked if she can and said she wants to see me, etc.
I know it's soon after my last relationship, but I don't want to screw this up. So two things are keeping me up at night:
1) In general, is it a concern if you have to call someone twice as much as they call you? Can they still be romantically interested, but content with talking once in a week?
2) I know it makes sense for her to be careful, since it might seem like she's my second choice and I'm just going to her because I got dumped. Other than just being devoted and proving I am trustworthy and serious about her, what can I do to make this work?
You're being really wise about everything that's going on, which is really great. It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into the issues and have a really good handle on it. S will be a lucky lady if this all works out.
You definitely are on the rebound and this is a concern for S. She doesn't want things to dissolve once you really get over your ex. But she also likes you a lot which is why she was thrilled that you were finally available and she made sure not to lose you.
So I would keep going along but take it slow. A lot of couples only hook up weekly, they have their own lives and work and friends and so on. If you want to slowly wean her to being more than just weekly, find special things to do on one other day each week. Go to a local club to listen to music. Get tickets to a local event. That way it's not like you're just calling her and saying "see me". You're instead calling and saying "let's have fun and go to hear Hootie on Saturday".
As far as making things work, the best you can ever do is be honest and communicative and keep working on things. The more you share, the more you talk, the more you work on making each other happier, the closer you will grow.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com