The Old Friend
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My fiancee has an "old friend" staying at her house for a week. He is one of those people who enjoys messing with people's minds and his 2 current girlfriends are both with other people. I have been really on edge about this situation since I met him and caught him repeatedly looking down my fiancee's shirt. We have talked and she says she sees him only as a friend and she thinks he feels the same. I don't know about anyone else but I never look down my friend's shirts.
I don't want to be jealous because I trust her and I know nothing will happen, however, I am because I feel like I should step back and give them time to hang out. Since I dislike him so much I am jealous more of their time together than anything else since he is a student and I am in the process of taking over a business so I have to work during the week while he is off for the holidays.
This has invaded my dreams for the last 3 nights and I have lost sleep over it. My fiancee feels bad and is sympathetic but I don't know how to make my jealous feelings and dreams go away. Any help?
On one hand it's good to have friends that are male and female. On the other hand, part of being in a committed relationship is to not put yourself into obviously bad situations. Let's say we were talking about you. If you are engaged to this girl, you shouldn't abandon her every night and go to a strip club, and spend your time, money and energy there. You should spend your time with her. So in the same way, she should make choices that strengthen your relationship together, not choices that risk destroying it.
Why was this guy staying with you both? Even when *relatives* visit, lots of people put them up in a nearby motel so they don't cause trouble. It's a normal way of life. What is that, $100/week or so? You could have offered to split it with him. As much as she likes him and wants to spend time with him, honesty is also CRITICAL in any relationship. And she has to be able to look at this guy honestly and see that he flirts with her and enjoys that troublemaking. For her just to cover for him and assume that because SHE is platonic HE is too is wrong. She owes it to you to be more open-eyed about this.
Anyway, there are times that jealousy are unwarranted, and there are times that jealousy is a normal warning sign that something is wrong. I think this case is a warning sign and not you being irrational.
I think if you asked any 20 women if they'd be happy having a sexual predator woman friend of their husband hanging around in their house for a week while they weren't around, that all 20 women would say that was a really bad idea!!
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com