The Boyfriend is Pressuring the Girlfriend into Sex

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
A friend of mine and her boyfriend have been getting really sexually active with each other lately. He has been going over to her house almost everyday. They almost had sex but it hurt her too much. As soon as it got reasonable for her, her brother came home.

Now he is hinting at other sexual activities such as oral sex. She thinks this is gross and doesn't know what to do. Normally I can answer all of her questions but I don't know what to say on this one.

Please help. Thanks. Advice
It is never, ever, ever right for a person to feel icky about something and to still do it because the partner wants it. That is completely wrong. The fact that he COULD pressure her in the first place is completely wrong. Yes she wants him to like her. And yes she feels like by giving in that she is "pleasing him". But ... and I know this sounds like a silly cliche ... but in the end, it is YOU that you must take actions to please. He might stay with her forever ... or it's more likely that they'll break up at some point. Either way, SHE is the one who is going to have to look at herself in a mirror every morning. When she's 25 and out having drinks with her friends, and everyone else describes the really romantic ways in which they lost their virginity with flowers and Champagne, she is going to have to admit that she gave it away to a jerk because he pressured her, and she didn't even like it. When other women are talking about how sweet their first boyfriends are, she is going to have to say that she dated a jerk that pushed her into doing things she didn't like. She's the one whose memories and self esteem she is damaging here.

It's hard to think about those sorts of things when you're in a relationship. You just think about making HIM happy. But a relationship should always be about both people making each OTHER happy. And he is spending HIS time pushing her around and using her for his own pleasure. That is just not right. He isn't being much of a boyfriend at all. He's almost using her as a free prostitute.

Really have a talk with her. Make it clear that you're not just jealous of the "wild fun" she's having. It's not that you want her to stop dating this guy. But she has to look out for HERSELF here. In life, nobody else will look out for you. If you allow yourself to get used, it is you who will be unhappy in the morning.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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