I Used Drugs, I Lied, I Cheated. I Want Him Back Now.
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been dating this guy for 5 years now. We fight all the time about spending time together. (He is a compulsive computer gamer.) We have broken up numerous times due to my lying about talking to my ex or when i had gotten into drugs. There were alot of promises I broke.
Over the past 9 months i have been drug free. Due to that I dont lie anymore. But he says I will just do it again. So he says we are not together but he comes and stays with me usually once a week. We talk on the phone almost everyday. I've been trying to show him that I have changed.
In August things got worse his ex girlfriend of 5 years and his ex wife came back into his life. Both wanting him back which he has a son with the ex wife. And that marriage was 15 years ago. And they didnt speak much till recently. So all my insecurities set in and we would start to fight again.
I let go of the jeaoulsy about a month ago and finally came to peace about it. So now his ex wife and son are here for Christmas staying at his parents house with him. He tells me he is not getting back together with his ex. And both ex's want him back. But he also says he doesn't want to be with me. He says he doesn't have the state of mind for it. But he spends weekends out with me dinner, movies, holidays, birthdays etc... His actions are different from his words.
So my question is: Is he torturing me and will come around sooner or later if I keep being the perfect angel and not letting him forget me? Or is he really done with me and just using me after 5 years for sex love and affection at his convenience?
The most important thing in any relationship is trust and honesty. He stuck with you for 5 years and you abused that trust. So now even though he obviously still cares about you and spends time with you, he can't bring himself to really trust you again - to "be with you". I don't think that's torture at all. I think that he's trying to protect himself from you hurting him again.
He is spending all his time with you. But if you want to renew the commitment level in the relationship you have to get through this trust situation. Offer to go to couples therapy with him. That will let him talk about his trust problems, and let you talk about how you have grown and changed since your days of lying. He sounds like he needs some help in getting to the point of trusting again. Be patient with him and get him that help.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com