We Always Fight - Help!
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 months is was good in the beginning. now he is constantly agitated and angry at me. we always fight. but i love him. and he does love me.
one of are arguments is how often we have sexual intercourse. i am a bipolar female so when ever i am in a manic fase i am constantly horney. which i try to help buts it's really difficult.. now we only have sex once a week. he says it is because he can't get it up but i don't know if i believe him anymore. i know he is not cheating because were together every day we only have one car at the moment.
we were so happy at the beginning. my family likes him. i love his family. but i think he has a really hard time accepting that i am bipolar. i know i am very difficult to deal with because of my mood swings and depression . how or what must i do to make things better? and does sex matter in a relationship?
First, on the sexual part. It is NORMAL for couples to go from lots-of-sex to sex once a week or less as they spend more time together. Your system is programmed to do that. The aim, evolutionarily, is to have kids right when you get together so you have a good chance of one being conceived, and then easing off so you have time to raise it. If you kept having sex like rabbits throughout your entire relationship you would be distracted from raising your first kid, you could end up with 10 or 20 kids and they would all suffer as a result. Many, many couples that are past the 'new love lust rush' have sex once a week, once every other week or somewhere in there. You spend more time cuddling and just 'being there' for each other.
There is pretty much always some sort of disconnect between two humans' sexual needs, it's pretty rare that two people match *exactly*. Lots of women are constantly horny, with or without other reasons for it. And lots of men are. And lots of women aren't, and lots of men aren't. So separate out your sexual needs from any other reasons. It's not "bipolar's fault" that your needs don't match, it's just a fact of life, which puts you in the same boat as probably 99% of the human couple population :) So just accept it as a fact. You have different needs. It's part of life, you learn to compromise. You learn to find ways to meet each of your needs.
Sex does matter a GREAT deal which is why you need to talk about it and find a compromise, but don't approach it with thoughts of "fault". Approach it that you two have a situation that just about everybody else does, and people find solutions to these incompatabilities, so you two just have to figure out what a good compromise for your particular incompatability is.
Now we reach the angriness and fights. Out of the things you mentioned, this is the thing that is *not* healthy. Every couple has 'grinding points'. But you should always discuss them together, open and honestly, talk through what the issue is and find a way that together you can overcome it. If he's angry at *you* and fighting with *you* it means that the whole communication line has broken down. You two should be facing the would shoulder to shoulder, he shouldn't be attacking you from within. You are the team that supports each other through thick and thin. A teammate shouldn't be shooting his other teammate in the back. So as far as things that really have to be looked into, this is the key one.
Sit down with him and have a long talk. You need to change the way you approach conflict. Tell him you love him, and you want to work on the relationship. It shouldn't involve yelling or angry behavior. It should involve talking over things you disagree on and finding a compromise (or just agreeing to disagree). Any time that he starts to get angry, back off and say you'll discuss it another time. If he can't deal with that - if he WANTS to be angry - maybe it's time he talks with a priest or minister or therapist or someone ...
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com