Wanting to restart a relationship
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
Hi I am 20 years old and had a 3 year relationship with this wonderful girl. Believe me three years is a long time and we had our ups and down's just like a married couple. We recently broke up almost 4 months ago and it's been hard for me to adjust to a lifestyle without this person with me. We broke up because at the time I just got out of college and was suspended for bad grades and I had some issues with credit card debt.
When she graduated from high school we were with each other every day until the the day we broke up. I always told her to go out with her friends, but she wouldn't. We got so used to being around each other that we became more and more comfortable with each other and started to call each other names and get into small fights over everything. I believe this is becuase we spent way too much time together.
My question is how do I go about talking to this person again and opening the line of communication. I know the feelings are still there because her mom told me she hasn't even taken my pictures down and neither have I. When somebody want's to forget about an ex they try and do everything they can to disgard those pictures. We both haven't. All she ever wanted was too see a guy that could stand on his own two feet and depend on himself. The way I was four months ago I wouldn't blame anyone for thinking twice about if I was the one they wanted to be with.
Now I've changed and am back in college with a one year down and am currently debt free and financially stable. I love this woman so much and I know somewhere in her heart she does too. She is just scared that if she goes out with me again if she going to have to put up the same. It's been hard to move on and I have been in many relationships to know that she is the one. It's only after we broke up did I realize how much the small things really did matter and I laugh now looking back at the small fights we got in over everything.
OK, there are a few things that bother me about this story. First is that you 'naturally started to call each other names'. Calling each other names isn't natural. It's a sign of disrespect. Getting into fights a lot is also not natural. In fact, most couples get more and more *calm* as they spend time together. They don't fight more and call each other names. That's a sign of a relationship that is disintegrating.
Second, you believe that these things happened because you spent too much time together. But you want to spend *more* time with her. Those things did NOT happen because you spent too much time together. Does that mean if you guys married that your entire life would be filled with fighting and name-calling? They happened because you both were not working on the relationship any more, and it fell apart.
If she's only 18, and is just graduating from high school, this is her first chance to be on her own, to learn what is important to her, to become an individual. It sounds like she wants to become that person, to learn on her own what she likes and dislikes. It may be a good time to let her stretch her wings and truly become her own person. If she really loves you, then once she stands on her own two feet she may come to you to stand beside her and be her partner. But a true partnership is about two people who both can stand alone, who *choose* to be with each other out of love. It doesn't involve a person who can't stand being lonely and chooses someone rather than being alone. And it definitely involves two people who are truly supportive of each other, who are able to respect each other and encourage each other.
I would give her some time to learn what being an adult woman is all about. Be there for her, be her friend, and learn to be content with what you are on your own. When you're not going to her because "you don't like to be lonely", and when she chooses to be with you because she feels she is ready, that is the time to get back together.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com