Visitor's Question from a unknown year old Person
I met my husband on an internet dating site. We were both divorced and both have 2 children. Everyone is fine, but I am very jealous over a woman he met online who lives close to us. My husband claims he hadn't been intimate with anyone else in 2yrs before we met. He was lonely and met this woman. They fooled around, but he swears they never had sex. I want to believe him, but he used to talk to her when we first met without me knowing. He said it didn't work out romantically, but they remained friends. I found an email she had sent to him and it basically told him to be carefeul and not to rush into things with me, it also stated other things that upset me and she called him sweetie and said she would always love him and be there for him. She said unless he could look into her eyes and tell her "I" was the one for him, she would then be happy for him. She asked if we were getting married and if this is what he really wanted. HE was the one who asked me to move in. I felt betrayed because I thought he had told her how serious we were with each other. I mean at that point I had sold my house to move in with him. Then I found a reply from him saying he missed talking to her and that if she needed anything, he would be there for her. I flipped out. I felt I had been open about my male friends and even introduced my husband to one. I felt my husband was "hiding" her from me. I gave him an ultimatum that this friendship had to end. He had only known her for 2 months before he met me. This woman is very needy. He told her on the phone he didn't wish to remain friends, but she sent us an email 2 months later stating she missed him so much. I replied that we wish for her not to contact us. She replied to me in a nasty way and demanded that my husband tell her, even though he had told her he no longer wanted to be friends. My husband did email her and tell her to leave us alone. I have seen this woman in town and it kills me. I know she will email him again, probably in a couple of months. What is killing me is that I know he cared for her and at the time they met, he was a bit disappointed it didn't work out. I feel he kept the relationship alive because he still cares for her. I know she doesn't want him in that way, but she wants him as a friend. I can't be friends with her knowing he fooled around with her. It makes me sick. My husband swears he could care less about her and that he loves me more than anything, but I hate the fact that I see her around town. I left my job and home to move to another city to be with him. He understands all this and truly has done everything I have asked him to do. I don't want to fight with him and ruin this beautiful marriage, but my gut tells me he isn't fessing up that there was more involved and he won't tell me in fear of me getting upset. He is also jealous of my past. I know we are both insecure and feed on each other's fear. The last relationship I had fell apart due to lying and cheating. I thought I was going to marry him, but he totally used and manipulated me. He also stated he had been just friends with another woman but after the breakup, I found out there had been more. So I see where my fear comes from. I just love my husband so much and the thought of him with this low-life woman makes me sick. My husband is truly a nice guy with a wonderful heart and I know he loves me. So how do I let this go? My husband ended the friendship for me. So why can't I move on and be happy with him? This woman is a bit nuts. She used to go out of state to have sex with other men. She left a demanding message on my husband's cell phone that she deserves to know why they cant be friends. It sounds as if she had a lot of control over him. He is nice and she needed his advice. He is also easily manipulated, I fear that since he did love her in some way, he will go to her if she calls crying. I am insanely jealous of her, yet I know I am prettier and classier than her. Perhaps his desire for her was for her trashy sexy look. I don't know. If he had been up front with me sooner, i may not have this problem, but since he hid his conversations with her from me, I feel betrayed. This is hard to get over and now I make stuff up in my head that may have happened between them. I do know that they did things on his couch and sometimes I hate to even sit on it. He gets so nervous when I question him that it appears he is hiding something. If we run into her at the store I may flip out. I know she will run up to him and hug him. She is a game player. I try to think that "so what" if they had sex, its over and he is married to me, but the fact that she lives so close, he loved her, and that she still wants to be friends with him, are the things I obssess about. Also: He had given me a rose after our first night together, I later found a thank-you note from this woman about a rose he had given her. He also told me he fooled around with his kids about "her" moving in, and he fell in love with her quickly. All these things he did with me too. He asked me to move in 2 weeks after we met. I see similair patterns here and that makes me feel like I am not as special as her. He did the same things with her. Yet he does swear he never knew love like mine and that I have made him the happiest he has ever been. So please help me!! I love him so much and want to move on! Thanks!!! Advice

To begin with, I think you are right in seeing a repeating pattern with your husband and you do seem afraid that you are repeating a pattern yourself, however, I feel that's where things end.

One thing to remember about men is that they usually stick with something if it works... so the rose after the first nite is nothing to be jealous of. He was kind enough to send one out. That's a lot more than most guys do.

In terms of what to do about this woman's calls, etc., it seems to me that you change your email account (I think AOL now offers 7 email names) and block all incoming emails on the account this woman uses. Your next step would be to change both home and cell phone numbers.

You mentioned that your husband has lovingly followed your wishes, so I would gather that it's likely that he is being truthful (I give it 60%-70% likelihood). If you find real proof otherwise, then you either need marriage counseling or to move on.

In the meantime, if you bump into this woman, grab your husbands hand, say a polite hello and leave. No need to be nasty.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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