We Broke Up by Accident
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
On Sunday my bofriend and I split up and I'm just so hurt and confused by the whole thing I dont know what to think. I'm sorry if this is long.
A week ago last friday I accidently sent him a text that was meant for my best friend (to do with her relationship troubles) saying "be honest do you want to split, if you do its best to get it out in the open" and he texted back saying that at the moment he did because he felt I didn't trust him. I burst into tears and went round his flat to be alone expecting him to be at work. He was there and was holding me and saying he loved me and I said "All I want is for you to hold me, tell me you love me and kiss me" and he did but said we'd discuss splitting when he got home from work.
When he got home from work we started discussing it and he seemed really confused and kept saying that he didn't know what he wanted. When I confronted him with a "Do you want to split up or stay together?" he said that he wanted to stay together and he did hope that we could last. He said he felt so exhausted from work and crap about everything so we decided I'd spend the next week at home to give him time to catch up on his sleep and some space. During this week apart we would talk on the fone and if I said "I love you" he would say "ditto" or "love you too" he also said that he did love me and fancy me and that was probably why he was so confused.
I went round on Friday just gone after 5 nights apart and we got talking again and this time he said that he thought that the damage had been done and he wasn't sure if he could overcome the hurt. He agreed to let me try to prove that I trust him but things weren't the same, he didn't kiss me night night or cuddle up in bed. On the Saturday I went through his text messages on his mobile (I've never done it before) and I found one to another girl saying "I'm quiet this morning as I'm in the car with A love you and miss you loads sexy bum". I confronted him with it and he said that he'd set up the text with this girl as he knew I would go through his phone (the next day she did phone to see the outcome) However this girl is one that he confesses to having been after a while ago.
On Sunday we got talking again and he said that he wanted to split and was very angry at me. I was crying and begging him for a new start to which he replied "I gave you a new start and the very next day you blew it" He was crying he eyes out and I said "can't we try to work it out" he said "work what out how can we work anything out when I just dont feel the same" He says I've really hurt by appearing not to trust him and no ones ever hurt him this much before. He was saying that he is hurting so much because he's hurt me so much and kept apologising for hurting me. I left and went back and he was staring into space hugging a cushion so we got talking some more and he gave me a really tight hug.
When I got home he said that he deserved to be dead for what he's done to me, he also told me that he got drunk and when I asked why he said "I didn't enjoy it" I said "was it cos you were hurting" and he said "yes" He also said that he had told no one at work because it wouldn't be fair to start crying there. I wanted to talk on the phone to try to build bridges but he said it was too soon and painful.
When we did talk he said that it has never hurt this much splitting up with someone before and that I'm the best gf he has ever had and that I've given him the best 5 months of his life. He also swears there is no one else, in fact he got upset that I even asked and has a point in that he doesn't have time (he works very long hours and Ive practically been living there). So I believe him but due to the text i found there are doubts there but deep down I believe him. I told himI found it hard to accept as 2 weeks ago he was all loving and he said "2 weeks ago you weren't being like this"
Now he's admitting that he misses and says that he still loves me but just not in the same way as I have him so much.
What do you make of the situation, do you think it is over? My friends seem to feel he is confused and tired and its so sudden that give him time and space and he will come round but I honestly don't know what to think. All I know is I am hurting and confused. We were so good together What should I do?
Sorry its long
Your boyfriend is really taking advantage of you here. First, you sent a message by mistake. People make mistakes ALL the time. Heck a lot of people say things directly to each other during fights that they don't really mean. All you did was text something you didn't mean to send to him. Remember, he COULD have responded and said "No way let's work this out". He deliberately chose to respond the way he did.
Then what did he do next - he maintained his idea of taking a break. He did a REALLY slimy thing and set up a whole joke on you - to test you - or did he? Maybe he really did send that to her and only came up with this bizarre story after he'd been caught. Plus, phone records should never be "secret" from each other. Why is he so upset that you saw his?
He sounds like he was already wanting to take a break. You gave him the perfect out - and not only that, but he found a way to blame the entire thing on you. He's not even taking any responsibility for his actions. You say you guys were great together but remember, as soon as he had a sliver of an "out" he ran for it. He obviously wasn't thrilled here.
I would take a break from him and focus on yourself. You really do deserve someone much better than him. If he wants to come back to you, it's time for him to start taking responsibility for his own part in the relationship.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com