His Ex Wants him Back

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
I've been with my boyfriend for about 8 months. In the begining he still had a thing for his ex and I found out. We broke up 2 times because of her and once because of another girl. (Even though he Swears he didn't cheat on me and I believe him)

His ex and I had our past differences and still do for reasons that go even beyond him. I hate that he talks to her. I suck up my jealousy when she or other girls that flirt with him are around though I just try to ignore them.

His ex called him to help her move down the street and it took over 8 hours just them 2 moving two people's things down the block. I had a major issue with that but I just let it go once again.

Now she has the internet back and it bothers me because she always has these little "I want you back" and "I'm sorry" quotes and stuff in it. I don't know if it's to him or her other ex (but it sounds like it's to my b/f since she was the one who broke up with him)

They always go away and idle at the SAME time and get off at the same time and it seems he talks to me less when she is on and it really bothers me.

I know she had a thing for eachother during the summer when we were going out and it caused alot of problems. Now everything is working out but I think shes trying to get back with him and I don't like him talking to her because I am afraid he will fall for her again..
Please help!

RomanceClass.com Advice
On one hand, it's good you're trying not to be unreasonably jealous. We all have exs in our lives and it's good to stay friends with them. But on the other hand, an ex should always be an EX and not a permanent thorn that is harassing the current relationship. It sounds like this ex is a first class troublemaker.

Your guy probably likes the attention he gets from his ex and considers it harmless fun. Obviously it sounds like SHE is looking at this tolerance as an open invitation to keep wheedling her way back into his life and proving that she is better than you are.

This is sort of a balancing act here because on one hand your relationship should be the most important thing for BOTH of you and if he's causing harm to the relationship he should be told. But on the other hand if you come across as the "psychotic girlfriend who is insanely jealous" he won't listen to you and will spend more time with his ex out of spite or to prove he isn't whipped. So how you handle this will have a lot of bearing on how well it works :)

The issue is temptation. There is ALWAYS temptation out there in the world and part of being mature enough to be in a relationship is being mature enough to HANDLE that temptation in a reasonable way. Let's look at an example. Say your boyfriend was in a happy relationship with you. But say every night when you headed home, instead of heading home to spend time with you, he went to a strip club instead. You spend the night doing things without him and missing him. He spends the night drinking lots of beer, spending his money and flirting it up with naked women. Soon you're cranky and snapping at him when he is home. Soon he's staying at the bar longer to stay away from your cranky moods. Soon you're flirting on line with a guy you meet in a chat room because at least HE talks to you. Soon he is flirting seriously with one of the dancers and they are going out for drinks after the club closes down. You can see how this leads to disaster.

If you two are in a relationship you both have to focus 100% ON the relationship and deliberately avoid destructive situations. In the strip club example, it's not like he WANTED in the beginning to destroy the relationship. But by continually choosing "not you" and spending his time and attention elsewhere, he *caused* its destruction. A relationship doesn't just happen. It is constantly nurtured. If instead he nurtures someone else and ignores you and lets this other woman "stroke his ego", he is causing the relationship to disintegrate, because his attention is NOT on you and the two of you.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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