He's a 31 Year Old Baby
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been with the same guy for over a year now. We seem to really connect most of the time and I came into this relationship with a son, who my boyfriend treated really well. We have done a lot of fun things together and often he would tell me how intesely he feels for me. We have made a bunch of plans together.
However, his family has money and are constantly looking at me through a microscope. There has been a couple of occassions where drinking has been involved and we have had fights in front of people he knows. He gets embarassed about it and often seeks his parents advice about me. I treat him really well. He did not come from an affectionate family and I did, and he loves that about me. When we are alone everything is very intense and often hugs and kisses me.
There are things we do not see eye to eye on such as I always come second. He even told me that his family will always come first and that if they don't like me we can not date. He still lives off of them and he is 31, he works but for the family company. If I do something he doesn't like he often breaks up with me and comes back within a few days. I have never cheated on him or done anything mean to him at all.
Lately his dad told him I had too much baggage and he ended it again right before Christmas. I am devestated. I am a single mother and will be graduating from Nursing school this year. I have done well for myself and I am very well liked by other people. They don't seem to approve of me as their sons girlfriend.
I really love him and he has done alot of nice things for me but sometimes he is really selfish and never sees anything wrong with his behavior but is constantly trying to punish me for mine. He comes accross that he knows it all and constantly says how much I have changed since I have been with him, such as my grammer is better and I eat better. A lot of it goes in one ear and out the other.
One night a few weeks ago we had gone out and I had a little to much to drink, i do not drink so I don't have a very high tolerance. He got mad at me and left me at the bar and refusded to allow me in the car, so I went back in and I guess I was crying and called one of his fathers friends an ass---- for laughing at me. The fathers friend called my boy friend's father and told him, I told my boyfriend what happened and he brushed it off for about three weeks. I really didn't mean that I don't even know the guy.
We spent thanksgiving together and everything had been great until last wednesday. My boy friend ran into that man and that man and his wife told him how rude I was and he broke the relationship off again. For the last year I have tried with him, I constantly beg for him to come back and he always does. This time he says "We can't be in a relationship right now" I have called him for the last 4 days and he always picks up but says he is not changing his mind right now.
I feel so helpless. I really love the guy but he is so concerned about what his parents think. I really want him back, please give me some advice!
I know this is really hard, but one of the most important lessons you learn in life is that you cannot mold other people to fit your ideal shape. As much as you might want this guy to be independent or wise or understanding or caring, he is the way he is. Either you just take a deep breath and accept it - REALLY accept it fully and completely, or you have to find someone you can accept.
Of course in your case the guy is abandoning you ever month for a new perceived fault. That if nothing else is the deal breaker. A relationship is about standing by the person you're with. Yes, he loves his family. But YOU, being in a relationship, are a part of that family. He should stand by you just as strongly as he stands by his mom and dad. After all, and I hate to be callous here, but his mom and dad will die. YOU are the one he is going to live his entire life with. He should respect them, yes, but he should make his own decisions. If at age 31 he is incapable of deciding for himself what is best for himself, then his parents didn't raise him to be an adult. They raised him to be an obedient pet to do their bidding forever. He will probably be even worse when they do die, because he will finally be required to think for himself and will have no idea how to do it.
I know you love him. But he is simply not capable of being in a relationship. All he is capable of is having "eye candy" around that behaves like a doll, perfectly for his family. He wants a performing monkey, not a relationship. You deserve someone who is a real, fully independent man who can give 100% of his love to you. Someone who doesn't feel that love is a "contest" and that in order for his family to be the "winner", you have to be the "loser".
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com