He Took a Break - and Left
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
I've been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months, but there was a 2 week "break" about 2 months into the relationship that I still have issues with, even though I'm ususally able to suppress them. We had been very happy and he kept telling me that I was his "dream girl."
Then, one day, out of the blue, he called to tell me that he had something to say that I wasn't going to like: His most recent ex had resurfaced. Apparently, she emailed him and wanted to meet for dinner and get back together. I was upset so he came over to explain face-to-face, and told me that he didn't realize he still has feelings for her and needs to close doors because it's not fair to not be able to give me his 100%. The last thing he said to me before he left was: "I can't ask you to wait. But, who knows, maybe one day we'll fall madly in love and live happily ever after." Not a normal breakup. I felt miserable. But, two weeks later, he said he'd cleared his head and wanted to give us another try. Even suggested re-doing our first date at the same restaurant. We did and I warned that although I want to try, I"m not sure how I'd feel.
Complication #2 is that his ex is Asian, which makes me feel generic b/c I am, too, and, on top of that, terribly unattractive, which doesn't make me feel so good. This complex I know is irrational and I'm working on it, but, nevertheless, does make things harder. We've had fun and have fallen in love since the incident, and both talk of a future together.
I forgive him, but have trouble forgetting because when we go out, people confuse me with her and tell me they met me somewhere I never was. I know it's not his fault, but, it still hurts my feelings. I don't want pride to stand in the way of the best relationship I've ever had, but I also don't like feeling like sloppy seconds. Help.
To worry about who looks like what is really pretty meaningless. The way someone "appears" to someone else is rarely based on actual looks. Those may be important for a first glance, but beyond that, how someone IS is far more important.
It's REALLY common for people to date a certain type of person. I have many exs who dated women who looked almost exactly like me. It's not a sign that I or the other women were better or worse than each other! It's simply a normal way life works. But there are BILLIONS of asian women out there in the world. He didn't just choose a random one. He chose YOU out of all of those billions. You should feel proud and special.
When people confuse you, just laugh. In fact, I chat with the new girlfriends of my exs and we have a great time comparing notes of when people confused us with each other. After all, THEY are the one making the mistake so if anything they are the ones who feel terribly embarassed that they were so clueless. So you can have fun with it if you want.
You can't expect your ex to never have laid eyes on ANY female before he got to you. You are not sloppy seconds any more than any other woman is when they date a guy they love. Guys HAVE to go through a series of dates and relationships to help "break them in", just as girls do. It is only after they understand how relationships work, have experience with them and know what THEY want that they are ready for the long term commitment. You should feel lucky and honored that he was ready for that when he met you.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com