Obsession and Betrayal
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half. At the beginning everything was going great. We spent every moment of our lives together, and loved every minute of it. We were always there for eachother and only got in small fights here and there.
About 5 months ago, i found out he had cheated on me. Itt was really hard to deal with this because of how close we are. I think about it alot, but it's not the problem i am having now. It seems as though he never wants to spend time with me, he even told me, he only wants to see me every other weekend.
I know that he isn't cheating anymore though becuase he does not go out. My concern is that he does not want me anymore. he calls me immature, and says things that i say are "stupid" and that i should grow up.
It is really hard for me to talk to him about personal things too, but only about our relationship. he gets very angry and we have broken up over fights before. We both suffer from Depression, and i know that this can have effect on relationships, but for me, i want to ALWAYS be with him, and he never seems to want to be with me.
First off, all relationships go through stages. The first new-love stage is very much like obsession, you want to be together 24 hours a day. But in reality love is about two complete people who share their lives. You always need family, friends and other passions in your life too! Your life should not be solely about sitting together side by side and holding hands. There should be goals you want to reach, other friends you have fun with, family members to spend time with, people to give a hand to.
I agree that he shouldn't have betrayed you. That was very bad of him. But if you two want to go forward you have to get through that. You say you trust him now. But it seems that as that new love rush has worn off, that there wasn't much to replace it. When that hormone-induced passion has naturally mellowed out, there wasn't much there to hold you guys together.
Just what hobbies do you two have in common? What things do you enjoy doing together? Do you have books you can talk about, sports you can play together, places to go explore together? Do you both love horseback riding, or museum visiting, or softball playing, or other things?
It sounds like he wants to do things he enjoys and that you're just not into those things. You need to ask yourself why not - or maybe ask yourself if you can find new things that you DO enjoy doing together. In the end the relationships that survive are between best friends who truly enjoy each other's company but don't demand it 24 hours a day. You need to find that balance in your own life. He should WANT you to be there to have fun with him a lot of the time - and you shouldn't be jealous when he spends some time with friends or alone.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com