Trust after Cheating

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I am a couple of months into my relationship with my boyfriend he cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend. We were having problems at the time and had actually " broken up" for the weekend. I did not find out until over a year and half later. I found b/c it turned out that she had his child. He and I had broken up a little over a month before he told me the news. We broke up b/c he was pusing me away trying to find all these problems in our relationship. I didn't understand what was going on at the time. He would tell me that he loved me, but when I would talk about getting back together he would say it couldn't work for us..... Now I understand

Eventually he broke down and told me.. saying things like if i could forgive this he would do anything for me, it was the biggest mistake of his life, it was a one time thing and on and on.

He said he knew she was pregnant but she told him that it wasn't his. She intially told her boyfreind it was his son, but he wanted a dna test and it turned out it wasn't his. That's when my boyfriend was ordered to take a DNA test. When he told me, I told him that it was over .... he gave it some time and then kept calling, After a month i I saw him a couple of times and thought maybe we could work it out.. but every time the phone rang i would immediately freak out thinking it was some girl that he was cheating on me with.

I told him it wouldn't work and went out of town for a while. He kept calling, kept putting himself out there, saying he would do anything to make the relationship work. So eventually i made the decision to try. He has been really patient with me and making a real effort to get my trust back.

It is working well, we are getting along great and I am more in love with him than ever, He even asked me to move in with him, which I am not ready to do yet. My problem is that I am afraid not to spend time with him b/c i think he will find somone else when we are not together. It is causing the other relationships in my life to fall apart b/c i spend most of my time with him.

So I guess my question is after somone cheats can the trust be regained? If so how? There is also the question of his son, whom I have spent time with and think is wonderful. I do have issues knowing his ex- has given him somthing I have not. Also when I wasn't in the picture his ex allowed him to spend as much time with his son as he wanted, now that I am back in the picture she won't even return his phone calls.

I probably come across as somone that should be on Jerry Springer. However, I am college graduate and actually quite sucessful. i want to make it work but is it just too much to deal with? I have also always been a jealous person, not to this degree but always have had issues with feeling I wasn't good enough Advice
Ah, you think that only Jerry Springer types have complex relationships but they happen everywhere - it's just that only the poor types are willing to air their dirty laundry for cash :)

If you guys had broken up, then your boyfriend was quite fine to then sleep with someone else. That's what breaking up means, that you are no longer attached to each other. And if he just considered it a "one night stand" then maybe it's not a HUGE sin for him to have then kept quiet about it when you got back together again, to not upset you. He didn't keep going with this other woman, he didn't try to keep her on the side.

So in the grand scheme of things, yes he should have told you, but many relationships go through FAR worse and survive. Also, yes, he now has a son - but so do all those single fathers and mothers that remarry. That is a part of their life, not some sort of "feat to be jealous of". You can't try to outdo every thing he's done with every female in his life. You have to accept what he is and what his life involves and then work with it.

If you really are jealous of this child, I would really recommend you two go to a couples therapist together. That would give you a chance to get the other woman and the child and your jealousy out of your system and worked through. He sounds like he's serious about getting this to work and would probably be happy to do this with you, because he knows you really need the assistance.

As far as the ex, she needs to recognize that her son needs his natural father - and that forcing the father to remain celibate for the rest of his life so SHE doesn't feel uncomfortable is unreasonable. Your boyfriend has to tell her quietly but firmly that he intends to remain a part of his son's life and that this is for his son's best interests. He should directly tell her that if she's jealous about you, that he and she should sit down and discuss it. But for her to hide because of that isn't being a very mature mother.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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