I Cheated, He Cheated, Now What?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I am 24 and my boyfriend is 30. We have been going out for 6yrs-got engaged after 4yrs and its been long distance for 5yrs (this has put much strain on us). During 3wks at the beginning of last year we hardly spoke - he was angry cos i was going out with newfound friends (had problems at home and went through a very tough time). We fought and I was lonely and hurt and wanted comfort. Stupidly I kissed two other guys-however i stopped it each time and went no further.
I decided to get our relationship honest as I hated keeping secrets and told him at the end of this year. He was furious and got physically abusive for the first time. He broke off the relationship and went to 'get me back' with someone else. I forgave him almost immediately and can't understand why he couldn't do the same!
I am totally disillusioned and thought the honesty would bring us closer. He met me when I was 18. He is my first serious boyfriend and the only lover I've ever had. I am so connected to him - how could he just throw it all away?
He has a possesive nature and that in turn made me become jealous. Personally I think he has many unresolved issues with women, from the past. This is the 3rd time that a girl has 'cheated' on him, though I know my case was exceptional, that i was after company not affection and that I have learnt more than anything from it that I really want THIS guy. He doesn't believe that I've told him everything and has a vendetta against women.
I still love him so intensely and now it sounds like his trying to work things out again two months later. I am emotionally taxed and don't know how to handle the situation. Should I back-off and make him realize fully what a great woman he had in me?
You guys have been long distance for a LONG long time. That tends to allow both people to build up fantasies of what the other person is like and reality rarely gets time to intrude. It also lets worries and concerns spiral out of control. All you have to rely on is trust and honesty. Those are the cornerstones of the relationship. When those are gone, what is left?
The phrase "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" applies here. You've already shown him that when you feel hurt you run off into other guys' arms. That is the essence of betrayal. Sure you didn't go further than kissing ... this time. But the point is that you DID kiss two different guys. You needed comfort and you didn't turn to your boyfriend to work things out. You ran elsewhere. How can he now trust that you won't do it again, the next time you are upset?
Also you say you want to be honest but you waited until the end of the year to tell him that you betrayed him. That's not exactly the most honest of situations. So it's no wonder that he figures there's even more in your past that you haven't told him about.
To top it all off, he is trying to work this through and accept you back despite your betrayals, and your solution is to play hard-to-get with him?
If you guys are going to make this work you really need to make the commitment to be in the same place for at least a while and PROVE that you can get along together as real people with a real shared life. So far you both have valued other things more than each other. Life is about making difficult choices. You try to hobble this relationship together despite years of distance, based on vague hopes that it will somehow "work" when you two have to deal with each other on a day by day basis. So far, it doesn't sound to me like you guys have a real connection that can sustain you in real life - you seem to have mistrust and game playing. It's time to get down to honesty, trust and hard work. That is critical in any relationship and absolutely necessary when long distance is involved.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com