He Doesn't Trust Me
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend thinks I'm cheating on him. We've been together almost a year and a half, he started thinking I was going to cheat on him about a year into the relationship. He expressed his concern to me and I reassured him that I wouldn't by telling him that I love him and that I only want to be with him. Apparently he didn't believe me because he kept thinking I was going to and anytime I went anywhere he'd start to get upset because he thought I'd meet someone better and want to be with them. I used to be the kind of girl who would party all the time and go to the bars and what not but I changed that for him. I do go to the bars once in a while for my close friends birthday parties and he's always invited to come but he never wants to. He just sits at home and gets mad at me.
About 2 months ago my best friend was in town and I went to her hotel room and we drank a little and just hung out. I slept at her hotel room then went home at around 9 the next morning. All that night my boyfriend was calling and harrassing and accusing me, and when I stopped answering his phonecalls he got his friends to call me. The next day I broke up with him.
A week later I called him to see how he was doing and he was getting drunk with a bunch of girls and a few friends of his. I got upset but I didn't let him know. He said he was going to go to this other party and that he'd call me later. When he called me and acted like everything was all good and asked me if I wanted to come to this party with him... so they drove to pick me up and when my boyfriend saw me he just hugged me for seriously 10 minutes and apologized for everything. We got back together that night.
Everything was good up until about 2 weeks ago. I noticed him starting to act how he used to. Questioning everything I do, everyone I'm with, everything. Just being possesive and jealous and acting like I'm telling him lies. I tell him the truth about everything and never lie. I dont do anything to upset him, but if something doesn't completly add up though he'll flip out and accuse me. Either that or else be in a really weird mood for a few days.
Last night we had the best time. A perfect date. He asked me to go back to his place so I did. We sat and talked a bit then just laid down and held eachother. I fell asleep, and an hour later he woke me up and told me he was going to go out. I said that I'd just go home then. We got in a fight because he thinks I'd rather hang out with his friends than with him (I honestly don't understand why he'd think this I barely talk to his friends) and so eventually we talked it all out and apologized for overreacting and went to sleep. In the morning we were kinda fooling around but I didn't want to have sex because I was sore from the night before. Sometimes when he gets excited he gets just a little too rough for me. I haven't told him that... maybe I should. But anyways... he didn't understand why I was sore and I tried to explain it to him but he just was creeped out and said "I really hope you don't have sex with other guys" I told him I would never ever do that and that he has nothing to worry about and that he should know me better by now. He just mumbled "uh-huh". So he left to work in a creeped out mood. I told him I'd call him when I get off work.
This really really bothers me. I trust him 110% completly and he barely trust me at all. He says he trust me more than anyone else which I believe because he doesn't trust people at all. Not even his family. I know I'm pretty, and I know guys hit on me. I know he's insecure about that. But I also know that I have a heart and I love him and care about him way too much to even consider doing ANYTHING with anyone else.
So, I'm really stuck here. I want him to be happy and comfortable in this relationship, but how can he be if he doesn't trust me? I know its just a defence mechanism on his part... but I want him to know that with me he doesn't have to be on guard. He doesn't want to lose me, and I know that he is not going to break up with me. I actually don't see him breaking up with me ever, no matter how unhappy he gets. He REALLY wants to be together forever. I don't want to break up with him, but I don't want to be someone who is making him unhappy.
How can I get him to trust me? I'm willing to start from square one and build it up over time, but how? Anything to prove myself to him.
I know you really want to convince him to trust you but his lack of trust comes down to his own insecurity. You obviously aren't cheating so there is no way to "prove it". You could prove if you WERE cheating. But you can't prove that you are NOT cheating, and beyond that, every day provides a new chance for you TO cheat so you would have to keep proving it every day for the rest of your life.
That is going to be water torture for you and him, with him becoming more and more possessive and jealous, you turning more and more into a little house mouse because any time you step out the door he is going to scream at you that you are about to cause him harm. And then you are going to be miserable, no matter how much you love him, that he has turned your life into an isolation chamber. And you will grow to hate him for doing this to you and he will grow to hate you for always (supposedly) cheating on him and betraying him. So this obsession that exists only in his mind will destroy the entire relationship.
He really needs help NOW for this. This won't just heal. The more he gets settled into feeling this way the more he will feel justified in it. And the more you give in to his demands the more he will feel he is acting properly and treat you like his property, not like a partner.
Talk to a therapist and get both of you in together. The therapist can help your boyfriend see he is being irrational and that his imaginary issues could easily destroy everything he cares for. The basis of all relationships is trust. If he can't trust you, he won't be able to keep you. Yes it is HARD to trust. But a great relationship isn't easy. It requires work and effort. Either he is willing to put in that work and effort and RISK himself, or it will fail.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com