Questions About my Ex

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me about 5 months ago. When we broke up we were arguing about little things. When he broke up with me he told me that he didn't want to be in a relationship, that he didn't need a girlfriend. He said he wanted to be by himself, figure out what he wanted to do. He wanted to do what he wanted to do when he wanted and not worry about anyone else. He told me he doesn't want to be with anyone else and that he loved me and cared about me still. I told him I loved him and wanted to work things out and talk, I even wrote him a letter but he just says that he can't. He said he still wanted to be friends and that I was like one of his best friends i said I wanted to be friends too.

After we broke up we still hung out a few times and talked occasionally. I tried talking to him a few times about working things out b/c sometimes he acted like he still wanted to be with me, but he wouldn't really want to talk and he just keeps saying he can't. I hung out with him hoping to get back together.

Another thing is is that he invited me to his dads wedding. I said I would go with him but after that I said that I didn't think that we should talk or see eachother anymore, that it was to hard to be friends right now. He said fine if that is how you want to deal with it. So we went to the wedding and after he dropped me off at home and said thanks for coming and left.

After that we didn't talk or see eachother for like a month and a half and just out of the blue he calls me. We talked for awhile, he asked if I had a b.f. and said he lives a boring life. I asked him why he called and he said that he hasn't talked to me in awhile and was thinking about me. He also says that he looks at me everyday (he still has all my pic hanging in his room.) He told me he wanted to see me and asked to do something. I said sure. So one night he came over and we watched a movie. When he left he said he would call me. He says he will call me but he doesn't call until like two weeks later. I called and asked him what was going on and he told that he just wanted to see how I was doing and that he din't want to get back into a relationship yet. I love this kid more than anything and want to be with him.

When we were going out this kid would do anything for me. I guess what I want to know is Do you think that there is a chance we could get back together? What does all this mean? Does he really just want to be friends? Does he not want to try anymore? I want him to give me another chance? How do I do that? Why did he call is he purposly trying to hurt me? Do you think that I am bugging him to much? Should I just try and be his friend and don't mention anything about getting back together and see what happens? Do boys go through a stage where they don't need a g.f. and want to be by themselves? (I know he hasn't been with anyone else.) Also, Why does he still have my pictures hanging in his room? Advice
First, obviously I don't have a Magic 8 ball here to see inside your ex's head and know exactly what he is thinking about. So a lot of your questions are unanswerable by me. Of course they ARE answerable by him and since you are his ex and his friend it would be good for you to ask him these things!

You say that you guys were fighting a lot before you broke up. So obviously things weren't good. Lots of fighting - especially about little things - is a strong sign that neither of you are happy but that neither of you are good at talking about why. So instead you just harass each other until you break up.

The last thing he wants is to deal with that again so he says he doesn't want to date you again. This isn't about "boys all wanting time to themselves". Don't try to turn what HE does into something that ALL boys do. He is an individual. He is reacting to a very specific situation that you and he were in. He didn't leave you for another girl. He left you because you two were not a good couple. You didn't talk about issues, you fought a lot and you were unhappy.

Even so, he obviously misses you, keeps your picture and thinks of you. But he has these two things to balance. On one hand he likes some parts of being with you and misses those. On the other, you guys already DID try dating and it was a failure. He has no desire to go through that again.

If you really want to give it another try, you have to prove to him that you two won't make the same mistakes. I have a page here on how to have a serious talk -

read it and then DO it. Yes, it's hard to talk honestly. But either you guys face the issues and get through them, or you'll go on wishing you could be together but not doing it because you don't want to fail again.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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