My Sister-in-law is Unsupportive

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been dealing with the loss of my newborn son for the past two years. I've sought help but nothing seems to be working. I just can't seem to get over what I have lost. Every day I see poeple with their own children. I just can't help but hate them...

Last year my sister had a son... I still cannot stand being in the same room with her and her child. I keep thinking that he should have been mine.

What brang all this on was finding out my sister in law was pregnant. Now she rubs it in my face every chance she gets. Because she knows my husband and I are have troubles in that area.

I want to know what I should do to make myself not hate her. Or should I just tell her to grow up and F*** off? Advice
It is always hard to loose a child whether it's a newborn or an older one. But you shouldn't assume that all other new parents are out to torment you. Remember how thrilled you were to be a parent? That is how ALL parents feel. A lot of times they don't even think at all about how other people are affected - they are simply thrilled beyond belief to have a baby. And they want to share their joy and pleasure with the entire universe. It's what keeps the human species going, that rush of hormones.

So your sister and then your sister and law are going through all of that. I really doubt they are going "ha ha ha we have a baby and you don't". They are probably going "He is so CUTE! He is so PERFECT! He is so WONDERFUL!" because they are 100% absorbed in this new creation that they have brought into the world. Nature does that to them on purpose. Otherwise most people would NEVER have the patience to put up with a wrinkly little creature that screams 24 hours a day, pukes up constantly and pees and poops every hour.

I would really see a therapist about this. I know you say you sought help but really, find someone who DOES give you help with this. There are support groups for parents in just about every city - look in your local phone book and join one. A LOT of women have trouble conceiving and having a baby. It is a very common situation.

Your sisters child should NOT have been yours. You will have your OWN child that you will love. Maybe it will come from your womb. Maybe you will adopt it. But the child exists out there that wants your love and affection. Don't go lusting after other peoples' children. That does a disservice to the child that is waiting to come into YOUR life. There are millions of orphans out there who have nobody to love them. You might want to start examining what your options are there. Maybe the reason that you want children so badly, and aren't able to have any of your own, is that nature / God is reminding you that there already exist millions of children that die from malnutrition or sickness every day. Your sister and sister and law brought yet more babies into the world despite all those existing babies needing love. Maybe you can show BOTH of them what real love is about and save from death one that already exists.

In any case, talk to a therapist and support group, and find a baby to love.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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