I'm Jealous, We Fight A Lot
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
well I am really jealous. I think I have every right to be. About 4 years ago my boyfriend was cheating on me with another woman...and this wasn't just for a short time it went on for a few years...and he still talks to her. Me and him have to kids together.
We did split up for awhile and now we are back together, but I feel so insecure and am so afraid that he is gonna cheat on me again. I make him tell me everything he has done during the day..he has to account for every second he is gone.
I am not happy because I am to worried about losing him and he isn't happy because I am so insecure and I am always accusing him of things.
We have a hard time talking too. Either it will escalate into a yelling match and saying mean and hurtful things to each other or he will just ignore me and not talk to me at all and this will go on for days sometimes even weeks...I have no idea what to do. I believe I love him and he makes me extreamly happy when we aren't fighting. I also don't want the kids to suffer from any actions me and there father do. I just want us to be happy and to get over being jealous. I know being so jealous isn't helping our relationship any. I have no clue on how to not be so jealous or how to talk to him about it without us yelling or him ignoring me.
On one hand, yes you have a right to be upset with him over his cheating. On the other hand, if this is going to work at all you both must work through that pain and anger, get past it, forgive and go on with your world. You can't harbor resentments forever. If you do, the relationship will never work.
For the sake of the kids, if you are going to stay together you really have to fix things. Your kids are blank slates. They are learning everything they know about how men and women live together from YOU TWO. So if what they're learning is that you are suspicous of your mate, that you yell and fight and ignore each other that is exactly what they will do in their own relationships. That's a really huge burden to put on a child, to damage the way they are going to date people for (perhaps) their entire lives.
So it's critical you and your guy get through this. You need to rebuild the trust and make that decision to trust each other. I have a course on jealousy here -
but given the other problems you two are having I would REALLY suggest going to a therapist even for a few weeks. You aren't even talking well, never mind being to talk about difficult issues. You need to get that under control. The therapist can help you see why you keep getting into these nasty cycles and find a way to help you break them. Unless you get through that first step - and are able to talk together like rational adults - nothing else can really get done.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com