We Drifted Apart - He Found Someone Else
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I was with my boyfriend for two and half years....We were bestfriends he always said we would be together forever...be a family. I admit we had our problems we had our fights but we always seemed to work things out in the end, but all of sudden things changed....he became distant and he was going out all the time. When I would ask him if there was someone else he would always say no....that he would never do that to me.
So a few months ago we had a fight and I told him that he needed to figure out what was important to him that I loved him but we couldn't continue like this....he started crying and I started crying and well we broke up....but he called me the next day saying that he missed me so much and that he wanted to work things out...He even threw out the "will you marry me line"!
Then a couple of weeks went by and I decided to call him and he was just acting weird....So I said to him that I was talking to someone else not that I was but wanted to know where he stood with our relationship.....He was like I thought we were in the "limbo" period. This was very perplexing to me but for some reason I just let go and said fine and hung up the phone.
So then a week and half went by and I decided I was going to suprise him with his belated b-day presents. When I did this the first thing out of his mouth was it's not going to work! I am like what do you mean I don't understand? He just kept repeating it over and over again.....He said he never made me happy and all this crap!!!! Then I asked him "is there somebody else! He said no I asked him 10 times always no!
That whole weekend I blamed myself and him talking to me like he cared telling me that no one could ever take my place and then I come to find out that there was someone else he apparently started talking to her in Sept. He probally knew longer than that but the "talking" started in Sept.
I am so hurt by these events he claimed he was my best friend he lied right to my face.....Why? And then there is this sick part of me that still wants him in my life! I constantly fight between my pride and my heart!!! It makes me sick that he has done this it breaks my heart that I trusted him so much.....Do you think he will ever realize the mistake he has made??? I am hoping you can give me some clarity on this issue.....
There was a HUGE problem with communication in your relationship right from the start. A relatonship should always be about best friends who tell each other when things are wrong, who trust each other and share with each other. Who stay in touch and keep the connection strong.
You let SEVERAL weeks go by after an important conversation without even talking to him. For all he knew you were still broken up - a normal relationship doesn't just hang like that. People who want to work things out don't abandon each other.
So when you do call him you deliberately lie to him about having another person. And he TELLS you that he didn't think you were really dating. Meaning he was interested in dating other people. You say "fine" in essence and hang up. So you never made it clear that you were still wanting to date him and he should NOT date other people.
You say you brought him belated b-day presents meaning you weren't even around for his birthday, which is a pretty important holiday for most people. So to him that probably was rather clear indication that you didn't care any more. So he found someone else who did care. And he told you clearly at this point that he could NOT date you any more - something that was rather clear before - because it wasn't right.
The point of him telling you there wasn't someone else was that he was not CHEATING on you. But even if you guys WERE dating it's always fine for him to talk to other people! And especially if you were NOT dating (which it really seems to be the case) he is of course very clear to talk with interest to other females. That is what life is about. But he wasn't CHEATING as in dating her. And in fact he wasn't cheating in any case because you weren't even dating. But the point is that he was in rebound, he still missed you and cared about you, you'd taken off on him and were playing mind games with him, and he had another female friend he liked. The reason he wanted to break up with you was NOT her. It was YOU. But yes there was a female friend he was talking to and who now he will probably date.
Yes, you're hurt. But you have to sit down and take responsibility for what went on here. He wouldn't have been even TALKING to this other girl with any interest at all if you had been there and been a girlfriend. Girlfriends don't abandon their guys for weeks and weeks, make up lies when they're on the phone, forget birthdays and then show up and say "OK here I am!" and expect everything to be OK. If you wanted this relationship to work, you needed to put in effort. You didn't, and he found someone else who would.
If you really want him back you need to have a long look at how this relationship fell apart and then have a long talk with him about it and be brutally honest with why you let it drift and find out why HE was fine to let it drift too. You guys couldn't have been too head over heels to just let things meander that whole time, and for you to lie to him. That's about the biggest sign of disrespect there is. In comparison, he *told* you you were in limbo, then he *told* you you were not dating, and he deliberately did not date this other girl while he got through rebound. He was communicating much more than you were, and he was honest.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com