My Boyfriend Looks at Porn

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My Boyfriend often looks at porn on the internet. Last night I walked into the computer room and found him. This makes me feel very jealous and not good enough for him. I would like to know what would be the best way to handle this situation and overcome these feelings. Advice
Looking at porn isn't an easy situation with a simple answer. There are many different ways that couples find pleasure in life and porn can definitely be one of them. Many videos are meant to be watched as a couple and bring an extra spark of fun into their life - just like lingerie or other toys do. So in that context, porn can be great. Everybody needs a little spark every once in a while to keep things interesting.

On the other hand, porn should never be a *substitute* for the relationship. All relationships start out new and exciting, and then mellow over time into a well known situation. But if a person still craves the new-and-exciting, porn can seem like fun at first. The problem is that once you start looking at porn, you get hooked on the "high" of new and exciting. So you keep looking for more porn, interesting porn, different porn. Studies show that porn users keep wanting more and more new items to look at to keep that "new jolt" coming. So they become less and less aroused by "known" situations - including their home relationship.

Not only that, but humans of course only have a limited amount of energy each day. So if someone is spending his energy on porn, that energy isn't available to you as a human partner. This includes sexual energy, time energy, emotional energy. We only have a certain number of hours in a day, we only have a certain number of things we pay attention to, we only have a certain amount of physical energy we can expend. If he's choosing to give up all this time and energy on a computer screen, it takes away from what is left for his real world.

So I'd sit down and have a talk with him. You know the porn is exciting. It's not that you're taking a moral stand against porn here. But YOU want to be the focus of his attention and you're standing there wanting it. If he wants excitement, so do you! So TOGETHER you should find solutions. For him to go off and have fun without you, and leave you wanting more and not getting it, is unfair.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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