I Stole my Stuff Back - He Won't Leave
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I began dated a very close friend of mine 2 and 1/2 years ago. We were together through everything for over 2 years, he has had a hard life and I tried to help him be successful by signing on loans for cars and so on.
About 4 months ago he began acting differently and distant, I would ask him what was wrong and he would push me away. He also began talking to girls from his work behind my back.
Finally after one big fight I kicked him out. After 10 days he came over and we talked, he told me that he relied on me too much and needed to grow up on his own without my help. But he still wanted me around. After that I found one of my WORST enemies phone numbers in his cell phone. That night I shut off his cell phone (in my name) and went to his work and picked up his car (my name) without him knowing. I did this because I was sure that all of this was a quick way for him to get out of our relationship.
It has now been 2 months. He calls me every day, to talk about his day. But doesn't want to be in a relationship with "anyone" and he says he doesn't "trust" me enough to be with him after I took everything away, he says that hurt him real bad...
So I guess my question is... if he doesn't trust me or want to be with me why call every day?????
As much as you wanted to be helpful by funding him, you were turning into his mommy. Every human needs to be able to grow and stand on their own two feet. He of course, if he was upset by this, should have talked to you about it and dealt with it. You of course, having broken up with him, should have TALKED to him about the way you were going to divvy up the possessions you had instead of back-stabbing him and in essence stealing your things back. You had made an arrangement with him for those items - to then just steal them because you wanted to hurt him is not very nice. I would have thought that kicking him out would have ended the relationship. It was at that point that you should have laid out what was going to happen. To do it back-handedly is reducing yourself below his level.
It's pretty obvious why he calls you, he likes you. But he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you because one he wants to be able to stand on his own feet, and two a relationship is based on trust and you violated that pretty violently. But asking why he still likes you is like asking why a wife still loves her husband even though he cheated on her at one point. Just because a person does a bad thing doesn't mean you stop caring for them. And just because he wants to be a full, independent human being doesn't mean he doesn't care for you too. Most college age kids go out and get their own apartments and jobs and are self sufficient human beings. It doesn't mean they stop loving their moms and dads, just because they don't have any desire to live with them any more.
If your point is that you feel he's a jerk and you don't want to deal with him, then don't. Tell him to stop calling and that is that. But if your point is that you actually care about him still and want to maintain a relationship with him, a starting point would be to apologize for handling the breakup in a pretty poor manner. Rebuild the trust. And give him the time and space needed for him to become his own person. The best relationship is between two best friends who are both fully self sufficient and who choose *voluntarily* to merge their lives not for support but for care and shared fun. Trust is KEY in any relationship so that has to be rebuilt.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com