He's Not a Kisser
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I love to kiss when making love and my soulmate, the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with (and he me), can pretty much take it or leave it. In other words, I am almost always the one to initiate. He doesn't reject my kisses while lovemaking, but seems focues on other things, skipping this step altogether. I've explained to him how important kissing is to me because it's how I convey my passion and depth of feelings for him. It's a fundamental step one for me.
Without kissing it can be sex, or lust, but lacks true intimacy (just ask Julia in Pretty Woman).
I've asked him several times if it's me, how I kiss, my breath, whatever and he says no, that he's always pretty much been this way is. In every other way, he is a wonderful lover.
Do I just need to accept this area of incompatability? Any suggestions on how to possibly change this? My fantasy is not to have him kiss me because he knows it's what I want, but that he might be able to open his mind to exporing and realizing how wonderful kissing can be too. We are both in our mid to late forties so habits/point-of-view are longterm. I'd be thankful for any ideas or opinions.
There are MILLIONS of styles of lovemaking out there - and if the only disconnect you two have is that you're a kisser-during-sex and he's not, that's about as minor as you can get! Most people have to deal with gulfs (sometimes huge) between one person wanting a lot of sex and the other not wanting it, or one person being rough and the other person being very gentle.
Yes, you love to kiss during sex. And for you, the kiss is intimate. But for many people, sex is about the caressing, about the total sensation. For them, a kiss is great as a single focus while sitting on a moonlit beach. Something that absorbs 100% of your attention. If you try to kiss AND have sex at the same time, you are lessening both. You are minimizing the impact of the kiss ... and you are distracting from the sensations of the hands and body.
So cherish the feelings you get from kissing, and also cherish the feelings HE gets from the hands and body. The two aren't mutually exclusive - but if you open your mind up to all the other aspects of intimacy, you might find that the kiss is a starting point - but that intimacy can be just as good (if not better) as the standard kiss is. Most of us equate kiss with intimacy because it's where we begin and it's the "simplest". But there can be incredible intimacy in the touch of a finger, or in the lips on the throat or wrist. Explore new ways of making that connection together.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com