My boyfriend has a girlfriend ...

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I am going out with this guy who has a girlfriend already. But the relationship bet the guy and his girlfriend is not very stable. at the same time, he and I have developed a relationship, physical and sexually. But he introduces me as his colleague when we meet up with his friends and family. One thing is that I really love him.

Recently he told me that things are not working out between us. The reasons he stated were
- he has to show me how to fight for myself and be more proactive
- teach me from wrong to right
- explain everything to me
and he wants someone who can run along side with him, someone who will help him out by giving his directions and someone to take care of him at times.

What does he mean by
a) wants me to be more proactive?
b) wants someone run along side with him and give directions and take care of him? In what aspects?

I have been very proactive in doing little things for him by picking him up from his office, wanting to drop by his house when he was sick and then bring him out for dinner, sending him little messages to say that I love him.

All these time, he is still with his girlfriend. He has just told me that he was prepared to break off with his girlfriend if things work out between us. He has even bought me a diamond ring recently, in hope to make things better between us. He never tells me how he feels and
what he has plan to do.

I didnt want to probe him in finding out the situation with his girlfriend as I didnt know how he feel towards me. If I ask too much, he may get irritated as he may think that I am pressurizing him to make a decision.

Now he is saying that why didnt I ask him how he feels when I want to know. He said that I should fight for my own happiness. I said that I had already fought for my happiness previously as I told him that I really love him and really want to make things work out between us.
That was then we have decided to keep our 'secret' relationship till end of this year. At the same time, he has agreed with his girlfriend to see at the end of this year if they should keep their relationship too.

Kindly advise what I should be doing.

1) How can I keep this guy from breaking away from me.
2) How much more can i be more proactive and fight for my own happiness? Advice
Yikes! Answer #1. HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. He's already showing you that he's capable of cheating on and betraying someone that trusts him! And he told her that they would actively work on their relationship all fall and winter! Does he consider sleeping and spending time with you to be working on his 'primary' relationship with his girlfriend?

And when you're upset, he buys you a piece of jewelry to soothe you, but then blames you for not being proactive while he is the one lying to both of you at the same time. Just what does he want you proactively to do? Go talk to his girlfriend about the truth? He tells you that YOU should learn right from wrong while he is using you both.

Everything you've told me about this guy talks about the way he manipulates you and then manipulates her. Really, your happiness involves someone who is HONEST with you, who is in love with you, who proudly introduces you to his family and friends instead of lying about you and then keeping you around while he lies to his girlfriend and keeps her around too.

There are millions of guys out there, and thousands of them are dreaming about a woman to love. Even if in the end you DID get this guy, he's already proven himself to be someone that lies and betrays those he convinces to care for him. How long do you think it would be before he had another woman on the side?

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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