She Just Wants to be Friends

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Me and my girlfriend went out for 3 months everything was good we both had fun and for me i was very happy, and she was all over me. During this period i never felt for someone as i did for her at the same time i was happy i was also scared a bit so i held back some of the feelings i felt but still i did little things to show i cared.

One day we went to a party and she got drunk and i noticed she wasnt acting herself and i got scared imediatley wondering what is wrong, i asked her that night but she said everything was fine. The next day she called me and told me it was over out of complete shock and being sad, and mad i didnt say much and we hung up the phone soon after saying bye. I called her back the same day saying i needed too talk to her in person so we got together 2 days after.

Her reason was that her feelings changed from boyfriend material too just friends because she said i didnt open up enough and that she didnt feel i cared for her as she was feeling for me. That day i was completely honest with her i told her everything and how i felt the whole time and how i was shy and that i never felt for someone as i do for her. So i asked her to think about it and let me know.

She phoned me three days after and we started talking and i was sad but i still wanted to talk to her after talking she told me she wanted to be with me and i said if she needed a bit time i would give it to her to think and she said no that she wants to be with me now and i asked her once again if she was sure of it and she told me she wouldn't be saying it if she wasnt and that she wouldnt do that too me. So we got back together and it was a bit akward at the start but it got better and i opened up more and we were once again happy together. I was so happy that i got her back and things went back to old times.

After another month i felt that something was wrong again and asked her she said nothing just that she wasnt feeling good, i asked her this many times and thats all she told me. I didnt know what to do i was sad and dissapointed that most of the time i saw her she was feeling bad i thought she was going through something so i left her alone about it and i did some stuff to try and cheer her up. Her birthday came along and i got her a present.

Five days after she told me once again that she just saw me as a friend and didn't have the same feelings for me. She said she saw how much i felt for her and cared and she got scared because she didnt feel as strong for me as i did for her so she didnt feel it was right and decided to break up again.

Now she wants to be friends with me, but i still want to be together because i think we had soemthing really special she told me she as well thought of me as being special too her and many other things that make me think she still feels for me. I would like to get back together with her and spend more time and see what it turns out to be because i think once again there is a special connection between us, but i dont know how to do it and i think alot about her.

Please let me know what i can do or what i should do because i dont really know how to act in front of her now when i see her because i want her back. Advice
She sounds like she's confusing the new-relationship lust with the more mature love that comes over time, which IS friendship. Two people SHOULD be best friends when they are in a long term relationship. It is that friendship and understanding that lets you ride through the good times and bad times. That is what people dream of having. For her to say "Nope it's not Fireworks any more, see ya" is pretty bad - and not only that for her to CALL YOU on the phone and break up like that is worse!!

It really sounds like she is the one not able to connect here. If she has issues she should TELL YOU, you shouldn't have to drag them out of her. Instead she hides her concerns, doesn't bother to tell you until it gets bad and then POOF she picks up the phone and tells you to go away. Most women WANT a guy that will talk to them about issues. Instead she AVOIDS talking about issues. That is exactly what destroys relationships.

I have a stages of relationships chart here -

maybe it's time she read it and stopped throwing away a great relationship because she wasn't able to maintain it properly!

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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