His Ex is Into Game Playing
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I live in a cute, small town, I came here to be with my, now, husband, from a big city in another country.
Before he met me he went out with this girl, who also lives here. They were good friends before I got here, and when i arrived, she freaked out and went out with a guy my husband absolutely loathes, the night before I arrived.
My husband has said to her, that he doesnt mind hanging out with her, as long as she isnt with her boyfriend, and she couldnt do it for a while so we stopped hanging out with both of them. She is a fun and bubbly girl and i guess he misses that in her...and they eventually made up. we have mutual friends. I really like her too, she is a sweet girl, but she plays games, very strategic games, she baits my husband into them, and thank goodness he catches them, and tells her upfront to stop. Because of this, i really dont like being around her, i feel weird she has to part of the 'group'...i dont mind bumping into her at parties etc, because this is small town.
I really want to rise above this, I know absolutely my husband has no desire for her, and no respect at all for her, but like i said, she is fun and we have mutual friends.
She is not mean to me, and has never been, but like i said she plays very strategic games, that make me dislike her... games i used to play myself, and that is why i know what she is doing.
What can i do to rise above it all?
You're being very rational and good about all of this, trying to find a solution to a pretty thorny problem. You don't want to be a heavy and say "We will never see her!" because that causes all sorts of problems. You don't want to just ignore the problem because it's like water torture that she keeps this incessant game-playing with Your Husband. So what do you do?
At least you have your husband's understanding and support in this, which is GREAT. A lot of times the other person doesn't realize what is going on which makes it even worse. The problem is that apparently he's not telling her to stop quite forcefully enough. It might be that he doesn't want to make a scene. It might be that he sort of likes the attention a bit even though he knows she's being childish. It might be that, knowing she IS childish, he doesn't want to really hurt her over something that after all isn't life threatening.
But in the end, because she's acting like a 3 year old kid, she needs to be treated like one. She's going to just keep on pushing and pushing her limits to see what she can get away with. And as long as she thinks that it's OK she's going to keep it up because it is her form of entertainment. She has to be shown that this is NOT OK behavior. Fun and bubbly is one thing. Game playing with someone else's husband is NOT right.
So talk about it with your husband, that this form of water torture can't go on forever. In a way it's sort of your own fault for LETTING her think this was OK all this time so now she thinks it's a normal part of her relationship. Which it should NOT be. So the next time she does something, take her aside. Be quiet but firm that this is NOT to ever happen again, that it is inappropriate. She likes you guys and thrives on the attention. The whole reason she does it is to GET attention from him. So if she persists, deny her that 100%. If she can't behave like an adult, she doesn't deserve to be treated like an adult. Treat her as you would a lecherous relative - don't be openly rude, but be dismissive and stay away from her.
She will get the point when she is denied the thing she wants most - the attention from him.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com