My Boyfriend is Violent and Abusive

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
Hey...IM in desperate need of help. I am 14 and my boyfriends 16 we have been together ever since nov. 4th 2002...(1 year and 20 days). I love him more than words could explain. he's always acted like he loved me too. He loves me so much that he's starting to come over protected of's almost like he's obsessed.

I love him so..much but the problem is we get in arguments everyday. Im not trying to throw all the blame on him but he always tries to start something over stupid stuff...he tries to tell me what to wear especially in the summer...he tells me who to hang out with and everything...but i dont listen because im not gonna stop hanging out with my friends just because he wants me all to himself. all started out really good my best friend got us going out and it took me 6 moths to talk my mom and dad into letting us be together. The only reason why is because i thought he loved me. and he really did in the beginning and the good thing is he didnt tell me what to do at all. then one day we started to get really close.

Now keep this in mind im 14 im of course a girl..and I make a's and b's in school im very responsible loving and really caring. anyways we started to get really close. and unfortunately sex kicked in. Now that I look back on it..i sort of regret it because.. I realize that I have my whole life ahead of me..and Im letting this kid ruin my teen age years.. well we stopped having sex and we still mess around with stuff similar to it.

Ever since the day we got close...he has changed so..bad he's really closely gaurded and he doesn't want me to have any friends what so ever he wants me all to himself. We get into alot of fights that lead into punching and hitting...and he pushed me into my dresser one day.. and left a big bruise on my arm.

Now he wants to just break up all of a sudden..and just leave this relationship behind...he accuses me everyday of cheating on him..and im not.. i love him too much....but now that he keeps accusing me i think he might be guilty himself..

i want to get away from this abuse...verbally and mom and dad hate him and his mom and dad and brother dont like stuck..

how can i get out of this without him ruining my reputation..he told me if i ever left him..he'd kill himself one day dad had to call the police because...he was out in my yard trying to slit his wrists...I want to stay with him...but i cant talk to him in a calm voice without him yelling at me...PLEASE HELP ME... Advice
It sounds like this guy needs SERIOUS HELP. One of the most important things you can learn about love is that there is a point that you cannot help any longer and someone else needs to step in. Think of it this way. What if your boyfriend had diabetes. You could love him all you could and it would not fix his diabetes. He would need a doctor to help him get better.

This is the EXACT same thing. It is NOT normal for a 16 year old boy to be physically and emotionally abusing you. Something is wrong with him emotionally. And you can't fix it. It could very well be a chemical imbalance and medication would help him feel better. But by staying with him you are risking your own life, and the lives of your family members.

I know it's hard to talk with your parents sometimes because you want to do things on your own and be your own woman. But in this case the guy is a danger. You need their SUPPORT which is what parents are there for. Even if you were 25, if you had an abusive boyfriend, your parents' job would be to support you in handling it. So don't look at it as "running to mommy and daddy". Look at it as "my family supports me when I ask them to".

So tell them that you want to get your boyfriend some help and you NEED help. Then have your parents talk to his parents about the things that are going on. Not in a "your son is bad" way but in a "together we can help him" way. His parents aren't going to say "he's fine when he's trying to kill himself on your lawn." If you need to, have your parents tell his parents that they cannot allow their daughter to date the son until he is helped out. Your boyfriend loves you and wants to be with you. If he hears that this is REQUIRED for him to see you again, it will become a serious issue to him and one he will take care of. If he refuses to, then he is being SELFISH and not caring about you - only caring about himself. And if that's the case, I would stay even further away.

In NO case should you keep seeing him while he is irrational like this. There is a very fine line between slight bruises and irreversible damage - both for you personally and for your entire family. You owe it to yourself and to your family to not let that happen. If you truly love your boyfriend, you will force him to get the help he desperately needs. If HE truly loves YOU, he will get that help he needs instead of hurting you more.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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