My Jealousy is Destroying Our Lives
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
Please help me because I feel I am going mad. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we are engaged but I am driving him away because I am obsessed of his past. He is divorced with a child and was with his ex wife for 15 years. All I do is ask him questions about his past and try and compare our relationship. I just think of his past all the time instead of our future.
I am jealous of their life together and that they were married and had child. I am even jealous of past holidays they went on together. If I find out he went somewhere with her it just makes me feel sick with jealousy.
He still sees and talks to his ex because they have child together and I hate it. I just wish she wasnt still part of his life. I worry he still likes her etc.
I try and forget her and forget there past but its really hard because she lives near me so I see her alot. When I do see her I get so jealous and just think shes better than me and wonder what my partner thinks when he sees her.
Me and my partner argue everyday because of the way I am.
I get something in my head about him and his ex that Im jealous about and I argue with him then few days later theres something else im jealous about so this just goes on and on.
It is the questions that are driving my boyfriend mad. I ask them nearly everyday. I ask questions like Do you love me more than you did her, Did you go this place with her, etc etc.
I know I have a problem and I also know that my boyfriend is very unhappy and there has been many times that he has nearly left me but stayed because I promised to change. I want to get help and advice quickly.
I was with my ex partner for 10 years and we had 2 children. we split because he cheated on me. I think this has made me very insecure. Hope you can give me some advice.
You are a perfect example of how jealousy can completely destroy an otherwise healthy relationship. EVERY human being has a past. Even if you dated a guy in his 20s that had NOT been married, he would have had past girlfriends. He would have gone places and done things with them. Every human has a past, it is what made them into what they are now. You have to treasure a person, that person's past and everything about them if you are going to appreciate their current personality.
I do have lots of on line advice and a full course on dealing with jealousy here -
but your case sounds pretty extreme if you are actively fighting daily about your jealousy. I would seriously go to a couple's therapist together both to show your partner you are REALLY going to handle this well and to get the help you need. It might only take a few weeks to at least get you on the right track, but this sounds like it has taken over your life and you need some help to get it resolved. Don't put it off, it will completely destroy your life and you'll regret it for the rest of your life.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com