Getting Through When a Partner Cheats

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I left my Love after 3 yrs. While we were seperated I slept with someone a few times. When we were apart I was telling him how I wanted to get back together with him and that I knew he loved me.

I had this fling with this guy, becasue he was giving me compliments and making me feel wonderful again. When I left my ex there was no more compliments or anything like that, so this felt really nice. The sad thing is, I never wanted anything else from this guy that I had a fling with.

I told my ex that we only did it once, but we did it 3 times. I later told him that we did do it 3 times. This has been 1 1/2 years ago.

He tells me that he wants me back into his life and he wants me to live with him but he doesn't trust me any more. he has said that he doesn't know how to move on so that we can be together once again. I have told him that I was truly sorry. I want to be with him so badly and he says the same thing too, but we cannot get past this. Please help with some advice. Advice
Really, the bad part here wasn't that you slept with the other guy - because you WERE separated from your partner. The whole point of being separated is that you are NOT DATING and therefore are free to date other people. So you could of course date other guys, kiss other guys, or sleep with other guys.

But what you DID do is lie to your guy and betray his trust. The KEY thing in any relationship is honest and trust between two good friends. If you betray that trust, in essence he can never trust you again because you've already proven you're capable of lying whenever you feel like it to protect yourself. If you're late coming home some night and say you had to work late - can he trust that you WERE working late, or that you are lying and were out with a guy?

So repairing trust once it's broken is a VERY very difficult task and to be honest some people never manage to do it. The broken trust destroys the relationship forever. I have advice here -

but really if it's been a year and a half now, you guys need some help. "Quick Tips" aren't going to help something that ingrained in how you guys relate. I would get a couple's therapist even for just a few weeks and explain what happened. Let her really talk to you both and discuss things. Remember, it's not like you just saw someone else "out of the blue". Things were ALREADY broken in your relationship, you were ALREADY unhappy and then this happened and made HIM unhappy too. ALL of that needs to be talked about and a solution found. The therapist could do this with you and give you a chance of making things work. I really don't think they will "spontaneously" work on their own even if you try things you read here or in a book. You need some help.

-- from Jenn
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