I'm Obsessed with this One Guy
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
It's my fault. My ex and I....we dated for 2 months...and some may think this is only a short time...but I've known him for awhile. Anyways, he's my first love. I love him so much!
My problem is....over the last week or so I was sick, I had a major cold sore, and i was a wreck. My relationship with my boyfriend fell from madly in love....to loss of love on both sides. He went away last weekend with his parents, and I really missed him.
Anyways, when he got home I felt that the relationship had gotten stale...so i told him we needed to talk. I asked him if he was happy to be with me or simply to have a girlfriend. I told him I didn't love him anymore. Slowly he became convinced that he didn't want to be with me anymore.
The problem is, I was reckless and stupid. I didn't realize how much he really means to me....I still love him. You don't realize how much until that person is gone.
I wrote him a note saying I was wrong...that I wanted to try..that I'd rather try a hundred times to work it out than be without him.
He however, has decided he no longer wants a girlfriend. I spoke to him (upset on the phone 3 days in a row) and tried to convince him that we should try to fix this. He said I made a good argument..but that he just didn't want a girlfriend anymore. We barely talk in school now...just "hey" and then I find myself calling him or slipping notes in his locker....I keep telling myself if I try hard enough I can get it. I've never wanted anything more in my life.
I know I was stupid....it's all my fault....but I love him soo much..and I've been with him through alot....and I need him.
We're going to the movies tomorrow night as "friends". It's probably my last chance to change his mind. What do I do? I've talked the subject to death...tried pretty much every angle.
After all we've been through how could he "not want a girlfriend?". About a week and a half ago we were soo in love. We can get it back if we try....we both agreed that if we try we can.
How can I convince him to try....to give me one chance?
Please don't tell me to move on...or that there are plenty of other fish in the sea....I found my fish...I need him. Please help, I'm dying inside.
I know you THINK you were in love because this was a new feeling to you and because it was powerful. But given everything you've told me it was NOT love. It was the NORMAL initial burst of hormones, lust and overwhelming happiness that you get when you start just about any new relationship. This is the natural "glue" that gets people to stick together to give them a chance to really KNOW each other and have that turn into love. This is nature's way of giving love a chance to start to grow. But it is NOT love, love is something that builds up slowly, over months and months or even years, and it is much more strong and long lasting. It is certainly not something that vanishes in a week because of a cold sore, it is certainly not something that you say after a short while "OK I'm bored I'm moving on"!!
Even if you were mistaken, love doesn't just vanish like that. Even if it was a nasty cold sore and you were both screaming at each other, love doesn't just vanish then either! Everyone who has really been in love has also been in serious arguments at least a few times in their life - and love gets you through those. Really and truly, you guys were simply in the starting months of your dating, you had rose colored glasses on, you had that new-relationship-high. And then you hit a snag and it went away, and you said "Oh well I'm giving up".
And then when he was gone you went through ANOTHER very normal relationship part which is the rebound stage. EVERYBODY (or 99.9% of everybody) who breaks up has their moments of "I must have him back!!" There are stages where you remember only the good, you forget completely about the bad and you decide that if you can just get back with him things will be perfect. You're wrong of course, because not only is NO relationship perfect, but obviously if you broke up once, things were bad enough between you that you couldn't survive small glitches in it. If you get together, another small glitch will naturally occur, and once again you'll break up because you have this delusion that your relationship will survive them!
So not only are all these things true, but your ex now feels like you are obsessed with him and are stalking him. He doesn't want to date right now, he wants a break. Which is NORMAL and healthy after a breakup. But instead you are acting like an obsessed Justin Timberlake fan who is camping out on his front lawn and wanting to rip clothes off his body to frame on your wall. This isn't something that ANY person wants to deal with. A person wants a best friend to be comfortable with - an an obsessive person is about 100% the opposite of an ideal partner. So the more you harass him about being in his life the more you will convince him that he does NOT want this situation in his life.
I know this might all be hard to read. This is new love. It feels like love, he seems like the one and you Must Have Him and Only Him. But you really need to take a step back and get some perspective here. Every single adult woman has gone through what you're going through - and we all survived. And hardly any of us married those guys we were dating - and we are all quite happy we did not.
If you want to prove to me (and to him which is much more important!) that you are NOT in an obsession over a new-date feeling you want to regain, then rebuild the relationship as a FRIENDSHIP. ALL great relationships are based on great friendships. A *REAL* love is a best friendship that survives anything. So if you want to prove you really want to build up a love, then take the time and build up the friendship without ANY pressure. Let things develop naturally and work into a true best-friends friendship and then become over several months a romantic situation. I have advice on that here -
If you can do that and then date for 6 months or more and survive arguments and disagreements then THAT is love. But until then, you need to be realistic and honest about the situation. To fantasize false things about a relationship that exists is never a good idea.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com