She's Lying to a Friend

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Where do I begin? I've been dating my girlfriend for about 15 months now and am very much in love with her. She started dating me very soon after breaking up with her last boyfriend. From the beginning our relationship has been incredible, especially since we'd know each other for already 10 years....however....she remained friend with her ex-boyfriend and to this day has not mentioned to him that she a) has a boyfriend and b) that it's me [I know him].

Unfortunately, I've since moved out of town to go to school but we've stayed in touch and are trying to stay together despite the distance between us (250 miles). The situation with her ex-boyfriend has been the only thorn in the relationship. With me so far away, every time I'm unable to reach her I suspect that she's with him. She assures me that nothing is going on and that she doesn't tell him to avoid hurting his feelings and that he will go haywire but in the meantime my feelings are being hurt. We've beat the issue into the ground over and over again.

About a month ago, I found some pictures of her and her ex on a trip that she supposedly went on with some friends 4 months into our relationship. None of the pictures showed anyone but the two of them. I don't believe that there was anyone else on the trip.

I'm at my wits end....I love this person very very much but am having a hard time with the distance and the fact that she still has yet to tell this guy that she is dating someone. I do my best to not bring up the issue since it's come up so often....but from time to time my jealousy shows its ugly face. Help me please!!!!! Advice
Liars always have excuses for why they lie and betray. And they are NEVER RIGHT. By lying to this guy she is protecting her own fantasy world and protecting HIS fantasy world, and she is also treating him like a 3 year old who cannot handle the truth. If the only way she can have him as a friend is to lie to him, she is NOT a worthy friend to him. In reality she is protecting HERSELF and her relationship with this guy.

Tell her that being in a relationship is about being HONEST and that is true both about her relationship with you AND about her relationship with this other guy. That she needs to grow up and learn to accept the results of her choices. And that either she is going to tell him or YOU are going to tell him because you are not going to support her lying habits any more. Would she want you to lie to her? I imagine not. So why does she think it's quite all right for her to lie to others?

While you're at it, ask her to name the friends who went on this supposed trip. And talk to her again about lying and the truth. Either she starts to value honesty or no relationship she is ever in is going to work, because nobody is ever going to trust her.

-- from Jenn
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