I Was a Safety Net
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I dated and was engaged to my ex for 2 years, in the past 3 years we have dated on and off with things never reaching the same passion in her as before. I have continued to pursue her with all I have, but she now is dating someone else who is very laid back and non-pressuring and she is very attracted to him. However, there are things about him that she feels are incompatible with her long term. She has expressed that she feels she should spend time with me to see if there is anything still there.
She has a lot of chemistry with her new guy and is worried that we will may not regain that. Everytime she gets close to ending it with him and start seeing me, she balks and throws me for a loop. That obviously hurts me and I react foolishly. That makes me look bad and him look better. I've talked to her, discussed everything ten times over. She has even asked my advice on how to end it with him, then she doesn't and puts me on the back burner. I told her I don't want any part of this triangle, but then a week later she asks if I would consider seeing her again if noone else is in the picture. Last weekend she finally was ending it and told him she wanted to spend time with me but because he handled it so nicely, she decided to spend the weekend with him. She obviously still has feelings for him. I didn't handle that as laid back as he did. Most of our problems stemmed from my over-reaction to something or controlling nature. And now she is seeing him again and I've been ousted.
In the past 8 months I've really looked at our problems and realized many were due to me and have focused on changing. She is afraid to get her heart involved with me again to have it not work out and lose this guy in the process. I've done everything I can think of to reassure her that things could be different due to these changes, but she is still very hesitant.
It hurts that I get so close to spending time with her and she spends time with him instead. I know wounds are not easily mended, but what can I do to allow her to want to see me exclusively? I have been seeing other women, and don't know if I should continue to court her or leave her alone for several weeks. I'm not oblivious to our past problems, but feel I have worked on resolving most of those for the future. I still feel that she is who I want to be with.
OK first off the passion is NOT supposed to last forever! Read up on the stages of a relationship -
relationships need to turn into mature best-friendship if they are going to last the years.
It definitely sounds like she is playing the two of you off each other and using you both as safety nets. She feels unhappy with one, she runs to the other. And visa versa. You claim that the problems in your past were all due to you - but she isn't showing very mature behavior here. She keeps you dangling like a fish so that she feels safe. One of those important lessons you learn in life is that you have to CHOOSE and then STAND BY YOUR CHOICE. She isn't doing that at all. She's just letting you both compete for her attention. That's not fair to anybody.
I would tell her that you really want to move forward on a relationship. That can be with her, if she chooses so. But it can be with someone else if she chooses not to. But she has to CHOOSE. I think after all this time she should be capable of choosing. If she's not, then she's really not a woman you want to try to build a future with.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com