The Internet Girlfriend Comes between Guys
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I've noticed that all the Best Friend's Girlfriend questions involved cheating or something of the sort. It's different in my case. We made certain not to actually. Here's the story.
I had just got dumped by a girlfriend of mine. I had heard a lot of my best friend's girl through him. She helped me through my getting dumped. I realized she could be a really cool friend, so we started talking more, as friends. She had tried to break up with him before, but he would get emotional and cave in to him. I was giving her advice about their situation. Before I got to know her, I was giving subjective advice. I was trying to protect my best friend's relationship. I got to know her more and then started to give objective advice and it wasn't good for their relationship.
They finally broke up, but my best friend doesn't want to let go of what they had. After they broke up, I told her that I liked her and would like to date her. We both know that it would tear up the friendship that I have if we date. But I really like this girl and think it could be a great relationship.
There's one last kink in the situation. My friend met this girl over the internet 5 years ago. He still hasn't met her to this day, but she is coming to stay at our [mine and my best fried are roommates] place during Christmas/New Years even though they aren't dating anymore. She wants to hang with me when she gets here. I have heard confirmation from my friend that we would not be friends if myself and the girl dated. What should I do?
I see the main problem here. As much as an internet relationship FEELS real, it is highly fantasy. You build up your dreams of what the other person is like and never have a "reality" to contend with. You don't have to do chores together, or deal with grumpy mornings, or anything else. It's like a cruise-ship romance, it involves the 'best' of each other and that can be very addicting. So your friend wants to keep up his relationship with his 'dream girl' and doesn't want you muscling in on it. You of course see this 'dream girl' and want her for yourself, because you feel it's better for her and you, because again you are projecting onto her what YOU want in a girl.
There's no real solution to this. He's going to want her, you're going to want her, she'll show up and you'll both be fighting for her. In the meantime even THIS time with her is going to be mostly fantasy because it again will be a 'cruise ship' situation where you are both trying to impress each other and are having a blast. So it still won't be something "realistic".
Don't have her stay at your house. If you really want to meet up with her, stay at a hotel. Give yourself time to get to know her alone without involving the whole friend situation. It's bad enough that you in essence stole her away by advising her to ditch your friend - and as much as you claim it was "objective advice", advice in relationships is NEVER objective. You always have your own motives in any situation. So if your aim is to date her and learn more about it, then do that. But do it in a hotel, away from your friend (or ex-friend). It is NOT nice to go rubbing this situation in his face or to make him feel unwelcome in his own house.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com