I Want Her to Be More Like Me
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
my girlfriend really pisses me off sometimes.lol..i know that sounds really mean..but like, i love her so much..but sometimes...i just need everyone to go away so i can have some time to myself. And that's actually the wrong thing to say because she doesn't smother me or anything..we don't get to see each other as much as we used to because of work and such..but i feel like she doesn't pay attention to me when i need it. She is a very needy person so i tend to that as best as I can, and we've had arguments before because i get mad at her for not giving me anything in return.
I'm also a very jealous person when it comes to her, so when she goes out somewhere i feel like someone else is obviously more worth her time than i am. but on the other hand she doesn't get to go out hardly as much as other people do. So i can't blame her for going out when she does. but every time i get mad, and every time i get jealous. and i just want her to not go out. just once when she really wants to go somewhere. it would be a sacrifice for her and it would show me that i have a vote over other people. And since she is needy i give her lots amd lots of attention. but whenever i want some, she's selfish and so i don't get a back massage.
She shocked me yesterday when i got one. I hadn't gotten any real physical attention out of her for weeks until yesterday. I give it to her daily, literally. And you'd say that she's doing better but she's really not. she doesn't do the little things for me...until i've done them 20 times for her. I love her so much and i don't want to fight over little things. all the time...but those are the things that count.
How can i get her to pay attention to me and treat me the way i treat her. Basically how can i help her become a more considerate person. these are all negative things about her..there are many things that i could go on and on and on about her..but this is the only thing i need help with.
do you have any suggestions as to what I should do?
This is one of those critical life lessons to learn. Every one of us is different and you can NEVER mold another person to be "your ideal girlfriend". She is the way she is. You are the way you are. Either you both love and accept each other the way you are now, or it's not going to work.
So you are very physical and love doing things to her. That's great! But obviously she is NOT very physical and has no such desire. She tries to do it occasionally to please you but it's just not part of her nature. It's like making a dog purr. He might try once or twice but he is NOT going to sit there and purr like a cat because he is NOT a cat.
Yes, you love contact. But lots of people don't! Lots of people are raised in low-contact worlds. And some people love being touched but don't like touching. That doesn't make them bad or wrong. It's just the way they are. They are PERFECT when they date someone else just like them. You chose to date her even though you were very different and now you're upset with her for being the way she is. That's very unfair!
In addition you're jealous of her and feel she must "prove her love" by deliberately dissing other people. That's not right at all! Sometimes she chooses to be with you. Sometimes she chooses to be with friends! It should never be a "I chose HIM over THEM" situation. She should be able to have both in her life. The moment you start demanding she make sacrifices to prove her love, that's unhealthy.
I would really sit down and think seriously about whether in fact this girl is a good girl for you to date. Yes you care about her. But the things you need in a girlfriend are not things that she is about. Of course NOBODY should be about "proving love" and such. But if you dated someone who was naturally touchy-feely you would be very happy AND your girlfriend would be very happy. And if your current girlfriend dated someone who was NOT wanting lots of physical attention SHE would be very happy. To try to squash a square peg into a round hole is unfair to the peg and to the hole.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com