My Best Friend's Girlfriend

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
i've known my best friend for a long time now and he is an awesome guy, thats why he is my best friend. we're very very close. i know it's cliche but i wouldn't trade him for the world. we like the same music are in a rock band have the same views (politics,religion,etc.) and do all the stuff best friends do, but just over a year ago he went out and got himself a girlfriend. so naturally we (me him and her) started spending a lot of time together which was great at first. i mean she was awesome from the start ya know and i told him he's a lucky guy to find such an awesome girl. she is cute funny smart just wonderful and thats the problem.

it wasn't long before i liked her at then at one point early this summer i just realized i'm totally in love her. because we spent so much time together she and i got very close and now behind him she is my best friend in the world. and she's said the same about me too.

during last spring and summer they were having problems: he'd breakup with her but then a couple days or a week or three they'd be back together. He did that to her like seven times, and during those times i would allways be the one she'd go to for a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to. i thought id would tell her how i feel but she always talks about how much she loves him so i dont know what to do. ive tried to tell myself im over her or its just in my head and i'm not really in love but everytime i keep coming back to the same conclusion that i am.

i feel like such a jerk for falling for my best friends girl but i cant help how i feel. it really reminds of that rick springfield song "jesse's girl" if you just changed it to M's girl its exactly like how i feel. i've heard before that if you really love someone you should fight for her, but im afraid of losing both of them if i do. i love 'em both so much but i can hardly take it anymore so i just dont know what to do, that why i came looking for any advise i could get. Advice
There's a reason there's a song about that :) It happens ALL the time. The people you are with most of the time are your friends, and the partners of your friends. Also obviously you like your friends and your friends like people that are like them so you therefore like your friends' partners. So it is VERY very common for friends to trade off partners and date each others exs and so on. It's very natural.

It really sounds like your friend and this girl aren't good together all on their own. A couple should NOT be breaking up constantly. They should talk about issues and resolve them. For him to actually break up with her, make her cry and be hurt, and then take her back and do it again is REALLY unhealthy and wrong.

But one of the most important things to learn about friendships and relationships is that you can NEVER ever be the person to 'break them up'. If you did you would be blamed for it forever. You need to let her do that on her own for her own reasons. She has to realize that this relationship she is in is an unhealthy one and that as much as she LOVES him she cannot DATE him. Those are two completely different things - the ability to love someone and the ability to stay with them through thick and thin.

I would talk to her about that, about that difference. But let HER decide. And tell her that you'll always be there for her. Undoubtedly she KNOWS you care for her given all the time you are spending with her. It's up to her to get clear of this guy she's with and decide what to do next.

-- from Jenn
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