Dealing with Jealousy

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I have been going out with my girlfriend for 3 months now and everything is great between us except both of us are jealous. I get so jealous over her. She is a close friend of a guy that i was friends with in high school and i am so worried about when they are together.

the reason is because my girlfriend wants to please everyone and very rarely says no so i think that if he tried to kiss her or even do more then i dont know if she would say no. I get even more jealous and worried when they are together but she doesn't tell me that she saw him or that she hung out with him. Once my friend told me that she saw my girlfriend and the guy holding hands while walking through the mall. So i approached her about it and she said that yea she might have been holding hands but i have nothing to worry about because she only wants me.

I am a freshman in college and she is a junior in high school but we both live in the same city. She was asked by another guy to go to his dance and she asked me if it would be alright and i said yes because i dont want to seem possesive but it bothered me so much all night knowing the thought that she was with another guy. I dont know what I should do and how I can overcome this jealousy. Please help. Advice
Wanting to be liked is a pretty common trait in teenagers - it's something society pushes in all of us. You don't have enough time "on your own" yet to be comfortable just being yourself - so instead you work hard to fit in, to have your friends like you, to do things that MTV and the media tell you are cool. It's a normal part of maturing to, more and more, do what is important to YOU and not what others tell you to do. If your friends are going to turn their back on you because of the way you dress, they are NOT your friends.

So this is something she is going to go through, just like any other young adult. But in the meantime if you are really jealous you are going to destroy the relationship before she gets there. Jealousy may seem "minor" but it slowly wears down a relationship until it completely disintegrates. It MUST be taken care of because the ONLY thing that holds a relationship together, in the end, is honesty and trust. Jealousy is the opposite of trust.

I have a set of advice on jealousy here -

You need to trust her. That's it. If you want to help her build up her self reliance and self esteem so she is more centered, then you can certainly do that too. Tht would be a very positive set of growth that she could really use. Find some volunteer opportunities that involve responsibility - the more responsibility you take on in life, the more you realize that doing "your job" and "what is right" is far more critical than doing "what will make people like you". And it'll let you guys spend time together. So volunteer at a pet shelter or somewhere else like that and get her into situations involving responsibility. You need to build up her sense of 'doing what she knows is right' and independence.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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