I'm Worried about Him Cheating
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, and we're seriously discussing marriage. I love him with all my heart--it sometimes scares me to think of what life would be like without him. We're wonderful together, he seems happy, I get along well with his family and friends, and he does with mine.
My problem is that I had my heart broken before by someone I loved who cheated on me, and because my current boyfriend and I have been honest with one another about our past relationships, I know he has cheated on people in the past. Not consistently, but he has done it, and admits he has. He says that I have nothing to worry about, that he isn't like that anymore, that was his wilder past, and he's ready to settle down with me and only me. It still concerns me, though, because he's been married once before and cheated on his first wife. I knew him then (I've known him for years) and I do recognize that he isn't the same. I know he was miserable in that relationship and that she was cheating on him, too.
I'm not a perfect person, but I do not cheat. I can't fathom doing something like that. With his past reputation, it scares me. I'm becoming so jealous (mostly inwardly) that it bothers ME how jealous I'm becoming. I want to trust him, I really and truly do. I'm trying so hard...
do you have any suggestions? It's tearing me up inside. I love him so much, but I can't go through life always being suspicious of him when he isn't around me.
It's hard to imagine cheating when you are happy and things are great. But it's less hard to iamgine cheating when you are miserable, feeling trapped and someone who seems wonderful comes into your life. There are completely different sets of emotions going on there.
Definitely, it sounds like he has learned a lot since his first relationship and is a changed man. People do indeed learn and grow and mature in life, and become stronger people as they do. He has learned the value of honesty, and learned how critical is to discuss problems and work them through before they start to damage the relationship.
I would read about jealousy here -
and then accept that what he is NOW is someone who you can trust and who trusts in you. Keep up the talking, keep up the honesty. The more that you trust him to tell you when there is a problem, and to work on the problem with you, the less likely it is that he will "store up resentments" and get to the point that he is tempted by outside escapes.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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hope he's not cheating