He's a Druggie Couch Potato

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
me and my boyfriend have been going out for a little over 6months. for both of us...it is the longest relationship we've ever had. we tell each other we love one another, we support each other when in need and i tell him what is on my mind...and he listens. We trust each other and the solid foundation for a good relationship is there.

so everything seems to be going well...but both me and him disagree about one thing and it gets to me more than it does him. so i end up sad, confused or unsatisfied. i was diagnosed with major depression about 2years ago and i feel i've conquered it quite well. i know the signs and i know how to handle my feelings without them being out of control. when i was depressed an outlet i would commonly take would be to drink alcohol. it helped relieve feelings of stress and other disturbing feelings i may have had. as of now i rarely drink ever because i know it is the wrong way to solve problems. i may drink on occasion due to being stressed or just to relax but it isn't an excessive problem.

so this is where things get weird. my boyfriend smokes marijuana at least 2 times each day, and sometimes drinks. i see getting "trashed" or "under the influence" as being an escape of some sort. he doesn't understand this concept. he feels it is just a way to "have fun". from my point of view...smoking everyday is not just having "fun" every once and awhile but a problem..or even an addiction.

everytime i am around him he is usually under the influence of something and it really upsets me and makes me feel sad because i think people should be who they are, and not look to drugs as a way to be someone different because that's basically what he is when he's under the influence...he's not the person i fell in love with.

he knows i don't like him smoking...and i've told him i won't make him stop because i'm not his mother and i'm not going to tell what to do.

it also makes me sad because every time i go up and visit him at his college that is usually what we end up doing. me watching him smoke out, while i stand aside wondering why i am even there. he is usually really sweet after and before and apolgizes for doing it...but he obviously isn't that sorry if he continues to get stoned.

most of my friends tell me to break up with him...that he doesn't treat me as i should be treated. yes...sometimes he doesn't but we usually work it out...and he is gettting better about acknowledging me and making me feel as if things are worth it.

so i wanna be with him because he supports me and loves me and i've never in my life have felt as important and loved as i do with him. but at the same time, i watch him destroy his brain cells , and being just an absolute loser sometimes. what can i do to help him, or help myself not be so hurt when he does this?

he claims he does this because "there is nothing to do" and he is one of those "social stoners" where peer pressure and his friends have a huge influence on his actions. i can't tell him to get new friends or really give him something to do.....

i'm getting so frustrated with this...i can't drink or smoke anymore, or at least with him, because it sends him the wrong signal and gives him a reason to continue doing it. so even if i just want to relax and enjoy myself, i can't anymore because his bad habit is preventing me. i feel i can't have fun anymore, or go out and be myself because i can't do anything to contradict what i say, this sucks so much. i find myself sad because i can't just do what i want.

ultimately i don't mind him doing it....i just wish he could be more like me and learn how to control himself and say "no" every once and awhile. i feel there is a difference between excessive and occasional times...and he just deosn't seem to understand that... everyday is a "speical day" to him.

is there anything i can do to make him cut down...and not do it so much...say something that will open his eyes to make him see what he is doing to himself...and ultimately make me feel better about the situation so i can finally relax and have fun?

RomanceClass.com Advice
I know exactly where you're coming from, I have dated guys exactly like this before. It's not that they're bad. It's that in essence they are couch potatoes that sit there and think "fun" involves liquid going in their mouth or smoke into their lungs. Sure, that might be fun on a rainy night when the power goes out and you sit around and talk and have a drink to spend the evening. But as a day to day way to waste every single day?? I don't think so!

There are MILLIONS of kids out there who dream about the days when they are in college and can do whatever they want to, go whereever they want to. There are also MILLIONS of elderly people who have incredibly sharp brains and who are trapped in old bodies that can't run and jump and play any more. They would give EVERYTHING to have, once again, a young college aged body that could go hiking and biking and travel the world.

So your boyfriend has in essence the most perfect body he will in his lifetime, the most freedom he ever will in his lifetime, and what does he do with this golden opportunity? He sits in a room and feeds his body toxins and complains "there is nothing else to do". Believe me, if you asked all those young kids what THEY would do ... and if you asked all those elderly people what THEY would do, I really doubt any of them would say "sit in a room and inhale smoke".

You can't make your boyfriend get a better grasp on reality. But there is no reason that YOU have to waste your own life just because your boyfriend is incapable of realizing what a special chance he is wasting. Heck, if nothing else, there are always TONS of charity groups - from homeless groups to kid-helping groups to lost animal groups and MUCH more - that actively need help. There are wilderness areas that need to be patrolled. There are kids clubs that would love older kids to be role models. There are elderly organizations that would love a friendly face even once a week. For him to claim there is "nothing to do" is INCREDIBLY wrong. I don't want to be too harsh here but he is in essence to LAZY to do anything and it's easier to sit and stew in his own juices rather than even go out hiking or biking or rowing or anything else hobby related.

So think up something YOU would be interested in doing. Maybe find a local animal shelter that would like a volunteer to play with the poor abandoned animals. And then the next time you go to see him, tell him you're going there and ask him to come along. His choices are to say "No I'd rather sit here and inhale smoke" or "yes I'll come spend time with you and help out these animals". The more he realizes there ARE other things to do, the more he might make those choices. But if even with you stuffing better choices in his face, if he still chooses to sit on his couch and smoke rather than bother to stand up and DO something, it might be time to consider him a best friend but NOT a partner. You can love someone without having them be someone to rely on in life - and someone who only wants to sit still and smoke rather than actually "expend energy" to do something in the world isn't someone you can count on to do something for YOU when you need it.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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