I Lied, He was Hurt
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I was dating a guy for 2 years who lived far, far away. One night, this guy noticed me and got my # and screen name from a mutual friend. First day of classes, this new guy was in my class, we started to talk and he asked me to be his girlfriend by sending me balloons, in class. I really did like him but i was holding back due to the guy who lived far away.
I lied to the new guy, insisting we were over when we weren't. He later found out the truth, we broke up, had talk bout getting back together, but then the other guy came on vacation and it added fuel to the fire, and this new guy and I became enemies. He was mean to me, which im guessing is the result of me hurting him. he never really dated anyone, and all of his friends and mine who had known him for years were shocked at how he acted with me.
Anyhow, we didnt speak except for him being immature and rude to me, from about January until July. After not seeing each other for 2 months nearly, we ran into each other and were very civil which was a shock. He had dated a girl right after me and did not act the same with her as he had with me, i really do believe he really cared and that i ruined a good thing with my selfish lie.
We recently became friends again and talk regularly. Twice we had physical encounters, which were just for the gratification. However, the most recent time we were together, a physical encounter ocurred, it was different. We laughed. WE joked around. We talked. HE brought up old times.
im not getting hopes up, but is there a chance for reconciliation? It realy is a shock that we are talking again, every one is shocked. Maybe he is just over the rebound stage and realizing he did like me...The girl he dated after me's cousin even told me he really liked me and was just hurt by my deception. Im unclear of what to make of this.
Being honest and trustworthy are THE most important things you can have in a relationship. So if you lied to him about something so INCREDIBLY important like "Oh I'm interested in someone else", then he had every right to be very upset with you!! And then the other guy comes back and apparently you started flirting or doing things with the other guy. Talk about incredibly painful and betrayal-ridden!
It probably has taken him this long to get over the harm you caused him and begin to think that maybe he could give it another try. You need to take a SERIOUS look at what you did before and really try to make sure you understand why it was so bad. You have to be FULLY HONEST with a partner if you want things to work. If he couldn't even trust you with something like 'I am still interested in someone else' how could he trust you with all the incredibly important things you might lie about in the future? There isn't any "OK to lie in these situations" when you are in a relationship - because if you prove you ARE WILLING to lie when you feel like it, your partner can NEVER trust you, EVER. And who wants to be with someone they cannot trust?
So prove to him that you understand what was wrong, you will never lie again, and that you make a complete committment to being honest and trustworthy with him. If you do, he may be able to heal enough to give it another try. Remember, many people NEVER are able to recover when they are betrayed. So the fact that this guy is even willing to try again is a great sign.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com